A couple of years ago before starting HRT I travelled to Bali with my wife and son. I was in a difficult position in terms of my transition as I had already gone through the process of changing my name and had been socially presenting as myself. Yet, with out starting my medical transition I knew that I didn’t come close to passing. This meant that I made the decision to boy mode for most of the time I was overseas. It was a decision that also suited my wife as she definitely preferred the assumptions people made about our family.

This meant that for most of the trip especially when we were all doing something together I just had to accept everything that came my way. That included restricting my presentation, avoiding looking at clothes and jewellery in the markets and just having to accept being misgendered continuously. I put myself in a cage after a being free for a year and it took a toll. My wife’s lack of sympathy or understanding of this didn’t really help as there was no opportunity to really discuss how I was feeling. Thankfully, there were some moments like getting my nails done, and solo afternoon shopping trip which got me through the dysphoria and depression but I knew that this was never something I could do again.

Travelling after so much has changed

The last week travelling to New Zealand has been thankfully very different partly because a lot has changed. I started HRT, separated with my wife, started dating an amazing guy and am just a lot more confident within myself. It all made for a very different experience starting with my freedom to present the way I wanted, skirts, tank tops, dresses, tights and heels were all on the table. I was me, unapologetically the whole time, even the nerves of meeting my boyfriend’s family wasn’t enough to push me back into my shell. It was a much more positive experience on a daily basis as I never got misgendered and didn’t feel eyes on me every time I went into a shop or more importantly a public toilet. The fact I am trans was either unnoticed or unimportant which is exactly what we all want.

This perception and presentation is very important but doesn’t solve everything as sometimes we can just have a bit of and off day when dysphoria can start to get to us, forgetting my razor didn’t help with this. Sure enough there was a point where mirrors weren’t being kind and I found myself spiralling in my thoughts. However, most importantly I could voice this and talk about it with my boyfriend Hayden. It meant he was patient while I spent a while doing my make up, held me when I got emotional and was always there with a positive complement. Such things don’t magical dispel those negative feelings but they help me manage and allowed me to find my way to more positive thoughts a lot faster.

Then and now

I enjoyed parts of my time in Bali but it is a trip that has definitely been coloured by a few things where as my time in New Zealand seems so much more pure. I hope that future holidays can all be like this but I know that sadly travelling while trans is not without it’s risks and challenges. At least this time I could focus on just having a good time.