Are you holding a grudge? About?

As a member of the Trans community, it is unsurprising that I can hold a few grudges and a degree of resentment. This is relatable for most minorities and anyone who has experienced persecution. Being made to feel out of place, unwanted, or deviant is a good reason to hold a grudge. However, we need to put these aside for our own benefit and to affect the necessary change in society.

Focusing on the individual

Over the cause of our Trans experiences, we are obviously heavily impacted by our immediate environment. Unfortunately, for most of us, that has meant an emphasis on a Cis Heteronormative lifestyle. In a lot of instances, this is conditioned using negativity towards those outside these expectations. Because of this messaging, many of us struggle to understand our own inner conflict, while those who do will keep it hidden. An experience that leaves us feeling ashamed for being different and unable to be ourselves. As a result, as we build awareness of our situation, we also build resentment since we recognise the source of so much of our pain is people we trust and care about us.

It is a resentment that can quickly boil over into rage, the response people can often emphasize this have to our coming out. In too many cases this can go extremely badly and lead to abuse. Often our families have difficulty understanding and it is met with disbelief and rejection of our identities. Even in an environment with a supportive family the situation is not without a source of frustration, as we can easily build a sense that we could have taken the leap earlier if it were not for a handful of key interactions over time. Regardless, these potential responses build a different degree of resentment and can easily turn into a grudge.

The often-frustrating truth is that for most situations it is going to cause more harm to us to hold a grudge. In cases where there is a lack of understanding or general level of support taking the effort to work through resentment, educate were needed and connect means that we still have a variable support network as we transition.

Resenting others

Unfortunately, for others no matter what their best efforts it is impossible to salvage anything from abusive relationships, and instead they will need to cut themselves off from potential danger. I can only imagine this situation and it was something I attempted to prepare myself for if things fell apart but thankfully have never had to experience. In this context, it makes sense that those that have experienced abuse from family members and have had to flee would potentially resent others within our community for an easier and more supported experience. However, while this is understandable it is once again going to negatively impact the individual as resentment can easily cut us off from potential friendships and allies.

This idea can also be seen more broadly in our relationship with Cis allies that often seem to be a little slow with their understanding. Don’t get me wrong, the regular need to explain things repeatedly is frustrating as hell but it remains in our interest to try and be patient so we can connect with these people. The truth is that growing this group of allies is essential if we are going to target the deserving source of our experiences and focus of our grudge.

Society and cultural norms

All our suffering and problematic interactions with people are inexplicably caused by social values and cultural norms. These are the concepts that have guided the development of the idea of the gender binary and heteronormative as well as the notion that those outside these norms are deviant and are a threat. Unsurprisingly these values are reinforced and driven to extremes through teachings of organized religion which have used the concept of ‘Sin’ to describe our very existence. It is these values that have framed the education and development of our families and friends that fundamentally impact their ability to accept and support us.

Considering this it’s reasonable to hold a grudge against this society especially when we see the continued perpetuation of these harmful ideas in the media, despite the well documented impact such ideas have on individual lives. Rage comes easy, and it’s justified. Aggression, however, is never going to work to bring down this web of toxic expectations and social values. Instead, we need to harness our resentment as a driving determination to change society through influencing others, engagement in democratic process, and education. It is a lengthy process with a clear and aggressive group resistant to change but like getting over our individual resentments leads to support rather than destruction.

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Read some of my other posts on the trans and LGBTQIA experence; Learning to connect with my community, Peace is the freedom to be yourself and Showing Pride: Wearing the rainbow