In the context of Trans Experience, the idea of being seen has multiple meanings that often speak to various parts of our journey. Initially, we must see our true selves and often fight through shame, social conditioning, and doubt to accept our truth, to look at the person we are on the inside. This period of uncertainty and sometimes denial is often categorized for many of us by choosing to disregard certain feelings, to avoid situations and act authentically. Anything that would morphically hold a mirror up to show our true selves.
While we may still be figuring things out to some extent but have decided to transition and live as ourselves, we then face the prospect of being seen by others. Unfortunately, not all families will look favorably at our truth, and many will turn away. This sad fact means that even those of us that are lucky and have support experience a period of fear where we expect people to abandon us, often delaying our decision to come out and leading to serious mental health issues. In dealing with such things many within the trans community have become victims of addiction as well as fallen into the dark spiral of depression. It is at times these darker stories as much as any that we need to share for a broader public to see, both to educate and to let others know that they are not alone.
Danielle Laidley’s often confronting memoir captures these ideas as she highlights her own struggles of acceptance and fear of visibility even more heightened by fame as an AFL footballer. However, it quickly becomes a magnifying glass on a deteriorating mental state and path of self-destruction that would make us want to look away. But as the title says, don’t.
The early years
The first part of the memoir covers Danielle’s childhood in Western Australia, highlighting her troubled relationship with her father and introducing the initial discussion of addiction. During this part of the memoir Danielle is also able to reflect on the times and opportunities during her childhood that she was able to experience connection with her feminine identity. Dress up games and long hair are clearly highlighted for the deeper meaning and the way they made Danielle feel connected with her true self, although at a younger age she wasn’t exactly sure what that meant. These experiences are specific and unique but for the most part is eminently relatable to many trans women.
As she begins to try and understand herself through these experiences and cope with the complications of childhood lacking a strong family foundation, Danielle also is pursuing her interests in sport. In these early years she also must face setbacks on the field due to illness but manages to put herself in a position to join the West Coast Eagles as a foundation player, alongside some of the club’s all-time greats. It is here that she meets Mick Malthouse who as one of her early coaches at AFL level had a profound impact on her career after the move to Melbourne.
Moving to the heart land
In many ways this is where the Danielle’s memoir really started grabbing my attention, as a 34-year-old parent some of the challenges and experiences here are more current but also as a local that grew up in Melbourne’s North – West the context is familiar. The move east for Danielle to join North Melbourne means joining an established fan base and the scrutiny of footy mad Victoria. It is in this environment that Danielle has clear recognised more about herself and starts to lead a double life frequenting Gay bar, Crossdressing in secret and catching up with a group of Trans girls that provide a space for her to embrace her true self.
However, the pressure of leading a double life in this way and an inability to be herself becomes increasingly more difficult as rumors start to circulate and Danielle lives under the constant fear of being recognised. During her playing days this pressure impacts her aggression on the field with regular suspension and a clear reputation that it seems has never sat well despite outward appearances. This consent volatility continues into her coaching career and highlight the ongoing impact attempting to ignore our truth or follow expectations has for a lot of trans people. It creates anger towards society and ourselves which starts to bleed out into our everyday lives often building into larger issues.
Spiraling
The final part of Danielle’s memoir becomes the most confronting and for many will be a triggering read as it details her time after coaching and battle with drug addiction. It isn’t surprising that as the life Danielle had struggled through for so long changes drastically as she leaves the footy bubble that things start to escalate. Firstly, since without the demands to maintain a facade for football there is clearly in increased push to be herself and at the same time the breakup of the Laidley marriage means there is an additional loss of stability.
These changes as well as a desire to explore more of her own identity due to this newfound freedom leads to some experimentation. However, the constant fear of being recongised and distrust of others leads Danielle to start self-medicating along with her increasing drug and gambling addiction. This powerful cocktail of emotional circumstance, hormones and mind-altering substances means that Danielle quickly spirals into self-destructive behaviour that ends in police custody.
New Beginnings
Ironically, it is reaching the lowest point and the fallout from being publicly outed by the Police allows those that cared about Danielle to step in and help her deal with her addiction. It doesn’t take long to escalate an Danielle finds herself reconnecting with the AFL Community and the potential for new opportunities for her. Unfortunately, not all of us have this type of support or community that will stand with us but there are times where our own fears mean like Danielle we close ourselves off to our own detriment. The lesson here is that sometimes we may need to take a risk as to give people a chance to surprise us.
Overall, Danielle highlights many of the different elements of trans experiences but within a unique context which intensifies many of these challenges. It is therefore relatable but at times specific, which potentially allows readers to detach themselves from some of the more traumatic elements of Danielle’s story. Regardless of the readers perspective Danielle’s experiences are a powerful representation that audiences should not turn away from and shines a light of the tragic reality of life as a transgender woman.
Leave a Reply