It’s not really secret that I am hard on myself. I have high expectations at times, perhaps unrealistic ones. In so many ways, this has pushed me to excel, to go for new opportunities. However, it is a double-edged sword, especially when those expectations and standards apply to my personal life. It means that if things aren’t working out, I feel like a failure like I am less than I should be. As much as this negative mentality is part of my own, we are not formed in a vacuum, and it is therefore the result of so many factors. Regardless, it is something I now need to break as it helps foster feelings of inadequacies, failure, and self-loathing.

Looking back on a failure to act

I have written before that when I was a teenager, I felt wrong and started exploring some things. This didn’t really lead anywhere since a somewhat hostile environment and some bad information online doscourged me from working things out. I just made the decision to cover things up, to pretend to be like everyone else. Again, in my 20s, when I could have taken steps to work myself out, I hit some roadblocks and once again chose to conform and not ask uncomfortable questions. All of this stems from the feeling that being outside the perceived social ‘norm’ was terrible. As a well-educated person, I have known for a long time that this was all the result of socially constructed gender roles and perception of Cis Hetreonormativty.

Looking back, this is what makes me angry. That one, I was susceptible to this indoctrination (it is so unrealistic to suggest it shouldn’t have impacted me) and that I lacked the strength and courage to break free. Obviously, I did eventually, but part of me not only wishes it had been sooner but also punishes myself that it didn’t.

Apologising for who I am

The delay in working things out is part of the reasons I spent so much of that first year or so apologising. I was not only saying sorry to people for who I am (like there is something wrong or controllable about being trans, there isn’t) but also that I didn’t work it out or come out sooner. The complete idea of apologising for our identity is grotesque and just shows how ingrained that sense of shame becomes. A society that installs such profound self-loathing is the real crime. However, there I was apologising for who I am and being grateful for the bare minimum of human decency in return. In hindsight, this has become another source of frustration.

Nowadays, I am proud of who I am. I realise the strength it takes to come out and continue showing up every day. I realise that there is nothing wrong with who I am and that it is infact a normal experience throughout human history. That it infact society that is profoundly flawed and unacceptable. This understanding and confidence means I look back at those early days filled with a degree of self-loathing. At the shattered wreck, I was asking for forgiveness, believing that I was to blame for everything. The fact that there were people in my life reinforcing this mindset didn’t help, but I fundamentally blamed myself for accepting it. I failed in those moments to have the sense of pride and strength I have today.

Unfortunately, I wish that this was all in the past. However, we can get stuck acting the same way around specific people, especially if they reinforce those behaviours. As a result, there are still times when I feel guilty for the way things turned out and accept responsibility for things that were never within my control. These moments serve to awaken that self-loathing and normally leave me cursing myself. No matter how much I tell myself that it is normal to fall into these old patterns and I need to be kinder to myself, it is something easier said than done.

The parent trap

This sort of negative self-talk and guilt can really hit that much harder as a parent. We are quick to blame ourselves whenever things aren’t going right, and kids can be very unpredictable. Despite knowing this, I determined to try and get things right, to create a good environment, and make sure my son feels supported everyday, after all, he is the most important thing. It means I put added pressure on myself to get things right and often second guess myself, critically analysing my every move in and blaming myself for each blow up. It’s an unsustainable and dangerous mindset, which just leads to increased anxiety, self doubt, and depression. One I am really trying to work on since parenting is full of ups and downs with so many infleunce impacting each day that we realistically are all just trying to do the best we can.

Being kinder to myself

It seems like a simple lesson to let go of all the guilt and accept that I am not responsible for everything that happens. However, as a well ingrained mindset that has been reinforced by other people in my life, it takes time and ongoing effort. The best I can aim for is to be a little bit kinder to myself each day and start celebrating the little wins a bit more. Maybe overtime will start to shift my mindset, and I can finally show myself some compassion.