Since coming out I have been on the lookout for LGBTIQ+ literature to find support and guidance for my wife and I as we try to work through our changing situation. As a bit of a critic and something of an advocate these days I considered the opportunity to review some of these titles as a good place to start and help others in a similar situation, especially since I won’t be publishing my own memoir anytime soon. As an Australian I thought I’d start with Emma Batchelor’s “Now that I see you” winner of the 2021 Australian / Vogel’s literary award which tells her story as a partner of someone discovering their gender identity and beginning their transition. Especially, worth noting here is the memoir gives a voice to partners’ which Batchelor notes is often difficult to find online except for advice to support their significant other through transition, their own conflicting emotions are often forgotten which is a void that ‘Now that I see you’ does address.
Structure
Structurally the memoir is most notable for the one-sided nature of the memoir as it accounts events and shares correspondence from Batchelor without her partner’s perspective. This was done for two understandable reasons, firstly the couple (now once again back together) at the time were separated so Batchelor did not have permission to share any return emails or messages but more respectfully she did not want to talk on Jess’s behalf. However, this does have a clear drawback in that Jess does at times seem quite cold and while as a trans women it’s possible to imagine some of the complex emotions she is dealing with it is difficult not to be critical of the way she acted based on the representation present in Batchelor’s emails.
These one-sided correspondences make up a substantial portion of the memoir and while it is often clear that many emails have been written in response to events or messages the audience is left to fill in the gaps. Ultimately as we are positioned to take on the view of the author this means that it is easy to think the worst at times of Jess. What this style does allow however is to focus on the partner’s experience, to voice her feelings of rejection, loss, and uncertainty as she struggles to adapt to the rapidly changing relationship.
Relatability
As such the memoir clearly articulates Batchelor’s journey from discovering and working through the initial uncertainty with Jess to attempting to pull herself through the breakdown of her relationship. This means that the memoir works through a period of initial confusion and suspicion as Batchelor finds unexplained signs of her partner’s crossdressing without any explanation which are greeted with obfuscation and avoidance. Personally, this was a relatable experience and did provide me with some clarity around how my own wife must have felt at times. This only makes up a short period of the memoir although Batchelor refers to this period close to the end of the book as she reflects on potentially missed signals.
However, most of the memoir dwells on Batchelor’s uncertainty as she struggles to work through a range of emotions as her relationship changes. Perhaps, as expected, this includes a degree of anger both directed at herself and Jess but also a clear and pronounced sense of loss not only for her relationship but the life that they were building. The complexity of the situation is also clearly captured through Batchelor’s relationships with her mother, friends, and Jess’s mother. It is these interactions and feelings that are the most insightful to understand my wife’s situation as I try to support her through a similar upheaval.
Despite the uniqueness of Batchelor’s perspective there are also plenty of relatable elements for those on the other side of such situations and even more broadly for any relationship dealing with upheaval. In some ways this is the most tragic element of Batchelor’s account as she details the overwhelming desire to reconnect with Jess and be with her throughout her transition but is constantly rebuffed and pushed further away. It therefore speaks to anyone who is desperately trying to hold onto their relationship and feels like they are unrequited or even actively discouraged. At least in this instance while the memoir ends Batchelor’s story continues and she can reconnect with Jess, if only the rest of us could be so fortunate.
It might not be perfect and is not the best memoir for understanding both sides of such relationships but what “Now that I see you” sets out to achieve in giving a voice it does well. So, well that it has been successful in providing us at least with a common point of reference and some collective understanding, which is a start.
Read other LGBTQIA memoir book reviews on Love Lives Here and All about Yves
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