Recently travelling to Bali for a family getaway, I spent the better part of 2 weeks once again boymoding. This decision made sense to protect myself and those dear to me but wasn’t without its challenges. At times, this really threatened to wear me down. However, my ability to find some opportunity to gain some affirmation and experience the odd moment of euphoria helped get me through.

Psydo boymoding

So, it is important to make a distinction, as what I mean as psydo boymoding since it easily could be misinterpreted. To begin, my documentation has all been updated with my current legal and female name. This was affirming in that I wasn’t faced with any deadnaming but was a source of anxiety at the airport when it came to security checking my passport and visa. This was a non-issue, and I was not questioned or subjected to any discrimination. This was huge and allowed me to relax while I was away.

Despite my legal identity, however, I agreed to turn down my self-expression. This meant being a bit more androgynous than outwardly too feminine. In addition, this meant also using all male facilities and spaces. Being outside my normal environment and still waiting to start HRT, both my wife and I felt this would be the safest option and least likely to cause any issues out in public. Due to this decision, we didn’t have any issue. However, it did mean that I had to accept being perceived as male, regular misgendering and an inability to engage in different activities the way I would like. Over the course of the holiday, this became increasingly frustrating and really started taking a mental toll.

Struggles of misgendering

Whether it was at the hotel, a restaurant, or just in the market everywhere we went, I was subjected to ‘Sirs’ and ‘Mr’. The regularity of which quickly became tiring and started to wear me down. Out in public, this misgendering was a clear reminder how far I am from being able to pass. This was more significant at the hotel since they had my female name and details as even despite this information the seemingly well-mannered staff reverted to male pronouns. It wasn’t just being misgendered that was invalidating and painful, but this triggered my dysphoria after all looking in the mirror I couldn’t blame them.

After several days enduring this I managed to find the opportunity to venture out on my own to do some shopping. The absence of my family gave me the opportunity to be a little more myself, adding a bit more makeup and using my fem voice, since any awkardness or potential confrontations would not adversely impact them. I wasn’t expecting much change but was pleasantly surprised to be correctly gendered by multiple people. It was an instant that picked me up but one that I struggled to understand as my appearance did not change drastically.

I was not until a few days later that I recognised an important influence on people’s perception was actually the presence of my wife. Out at a different market, walking passed the stalls together I was once again being misgendered with some pushy shop keeps trying to sell me male clothes. The constant bombardment and tight quarters at the Sukawati market quickly became overwhelming for me and I took the opportunity to take a break with my son outside. Eventually my son and I, having lost my wife somewhere in the press of stalls ventured back in, this time now being perceived as a single parent I was gendered correctly. This change was so sudden that it made me recongise that the primary reason was a combination of my body language behavior in these different circumstances as well as people’s subconscious defaulting to heteronormative relationship.

This realization continues to be more than a little unsettling as I am wondering how this dynamic will change as I continue with my transition and at what stage people’s perception of our relationship no longer defaults to a heterosexual couple. However, the recognition of this did at least allow me to dispel slightly some of the body dysphoria I was enduring for the last few days of the holiday.

Missing Experience

Something we come to accept as trans people is that growing up there are missed experiences that due to our assigned gender at birth were not part of our formative years. This can often be upsetting especially when there are reminders, but we don’t have a TARDIS and can’t change the past, it is healthier to process these emotions, accept the reality of our missed experiences and move on. However, this experience is not only for experiences in the past as we are often forced or choose to miss new things to maintain our safety and the comfort of others.

So far, I have been lucky with this in my daily life with only a few instances where I have felt like I was missing out. During my time away, as I received a little into my shell, these experiences became more noticeable and had increased regularity. As I have already discussed, there was little opportunity to shop for clothing, which was significant since it was now reasonably normal for me in Australia, so it felt like a step back.

Next to these everyday habits that were impacted, there was also the inability to engage in more specific activities the way I would like. The perfect example of this was our visit to some of Bali’s beautiful waterfalls. Of course, the oppertunity here was to swim in the water and potentially get some memorable bikini shots. However, this was not an option that I could contemplate at all, and the idea of swimming in such a public setting was quite upsetting. Realistically swimming would mean either being completely covered in a rash vest or a T-shirt or alternatively bearing my top half like a man since I haven’t started HRT. This anxiety and dysphoria tied to swim wear is common for members of the trans community but hit me harder since wearing a one-piece all last summer. The Temple of Tirta Empul presented a similar roadblock as the potential to participate in a cleansing ritual would include gendered Serongs and once again I chose to avoid this complication.

Finding moments of validation despite the struggles

Even amongst the challenges there were some oppertunities to experience moments of validation. As mentioned the sole shopping trips were a nice reprive and allowed me to build up the courage to try on some earings and skirt. This not only gave me affirmation at the time but by wearing my new skirt at our hotel, in the privacy of our room, helped sustain these postive feelings.

Additionaly since we were based in Ubud there was plenty of chances to frequent a local spa for a few massages and a mani, pedi. While not necessarly exclusivly feminie getting a massage and any from of treatment was something that I never allowed myself to expereince as the notion of being pampered was problamatic. However, early into our holidays the three of us went for foot massage after a long day of touring. This was not only an affirming experence but a real highlight as we all enjoyed our repeat visits, let allone the much needed oppertuintiy to rest.

These instances along with the wealth of other experiences and family time we had made the trip worth the challanges and an overall positive experience. Yet, there were defitnitly times where tirdness, gender dysphoria and a cranky 5 year old did threaten to get the better of me. It was in these moments that those little oppertunities for validation would help change my mindset allow me to focus on the positives.