It is probably not surprising that some trans people struggle to look at old photos and find it very triggering. Afterall, photos remind us of so much not just what we looked like but how we felt at a certain point in time and the struggles we may have been silently enduring that is hidden from the lens. In some cases I suspect it is also a desire to distance oneself from that past version and a desire to focus more heavily on the future embodiment of the true self. This aversion to our old self was something I worried about in the early stages of my transition, so many great moments caught on film with my son, with friends and at the time my wife that I didn’t want them to become tainted in my mind. Even as I was struggling to looking in the mirror at the time, I dreaded losing these.
The version of me at the time
Thankfully, this aversion to my past appreance never really struck and I have never really had much of an issue looking at photos because of my appreance. In fact one of my favourite photos taken the day after my son was born sits pride of place in my bedroom, where I see it on a daily basis. It is a reminder of one of the happiest days of my life and the formation of a connection that means more than anything to me. Of course the version of me in the photo is looks very different, it was who I was in the moment, which will never change.
That version of me may look very different with short hair, masculine features and a manicured beard but at the core the person was still me. The loving parent that is holding their new born son is completely wrapped up in this moment. Other photos might not be anywhere as poignant or significant as this one but this sentiment holds true for most of them. I still recognise the person staring back through the camera lens and see them as the version of myself that experienced those memories. I’m lucky that I still have this, that I can still look back but maybe it is the result of my mindset, my perception of self as the same person that makes this possible as well as a desire not to lose these moments. Regardless, an aversion to the past is not some prerequisite to be trans or an inevitable part of our transition.
Highlights in my journey
Just as these photos mark some pretty important events they also are important markers in my transition journey. At the most basic level they are a visual markers of how much I have changed and grown into my true self physically. A great glow up definitely wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have that old photo for comparison. Especially the ones a buzz cut and beard were I look 40 despite being in my earlier 30s.
However it is more then just the physical progress I have made that these photo’s highlight but it is also servers to demonstrate the things that haven’t change, the parts of my core identity that were never tied to gender or presentation but just form the basis of my identity both then and now. It might the joys I find in the same old interests like images of attending Iron Maiden concerts back in 2011, 2017 and again in 2024, barracking for my beloved bombers despite ongoing disappointment or enjoying a good pint with friends. More importantly than these however is that they way I connect with my son hasn’t changed, we still bond over Lego or board games and I love lying down reading him a book just like I did when he was a baby. So much of this is captured in photos and is a reminder that I have always been this person even if other people have struggle to see it or can’t get passed the things that have changed.
Some things are lost at least temporarily
There are definitely some photos that are difficult for me to look at these days and cause me a degree of pain but not because of how I look. It is simply because it is a reminder of what I have lost, the family I had and the woman I loved. Its been slightly over a year since we split but it is still very raw especially as some of the formal arrangements and paper work has stretched on and while I have moved on there are still some complex feelings that I need to work through. As such photos of us and the memory of some of the times we shared can be a painful reminder. I suspect my ex probably feels something similar perhaps more akin to a lost loved one based on how she has perceived my transition. Hopefully at some point when we have both healed enough and time passes we will be able to look back without such pain and lose. It probably will be a while but maybe on day I’ll be able to look back and enjoy the memories again, focusing on those moments and not how things ended. That would be nice.
