I have always been concerned with people’s opinions even though I tried to pretend not to. Most of my adult life was spent trying to please others and appear likeable. At times, I definitely failed pretty miserable, appearing aloof and pretentious, but at least then I figured that people had reason to dislike me. After all, I can be a bit of a know it all.
After coming out, part of my goal was to break this mindset and be true to myself. At times, it has brought a lot of positivity from people recognising the courage and strength it takes to walk this path. It shouldn’t be that hard to simply be ourselves, but in a society filled with misinformation, hate, and ignorance, we all need extraordinary strength. The respect can be powerful but also serves as a reminder of the world we live in and the fact that we face so much hardship.
It’s a different kind of hate
In the past, I was afraid of being disliked or hated for something I may have done. However, at least this was somewhat in my control. Now, like the rest of the LGBTQIA community, I have to deal with being despised and hated simply because of my identity. This is a more difficult thing to accept as there is seemingly little I can do to change these people and their perceptions. Regardless of how much I try and educate through sharing my story or how amazing I am as a teacher and parent, I’m fighting a losing battle. Many judge me and the rest of the trans community based on what we are rather than our personality. They care little for the potential impact of their words and actions or even hope that we will be crushed by the weight of their harassment. The greatest threat is that these people are also easily led by politicians and media engaging in culture wars for their own ends, using this fear and hatred to leverage support for extreme action.
It is this form of hate that is ultimately the most dangerous as it can lead to violence and persecution. Even in supportive communities and environments like Australia, there are those that will target us just because of who we are. In my own situation, that has included attempts to get me fired simply for being trans and promoting a positive message of support and inclusion for trans kids. This has involved parents leveraging their own children’s education and enrolment to try and enforce their will. The fact there are people who will actually go to this extent is just insane. Although months ago, this instance seriously impacted my self-worth and enthusiasm for work, leaving me constantly on guard.
It isn’t always such an extreme but the regular harassment and denial of our identity are hurtful in otherways. It means that even in supportive environments, where we may lower our guard, we can unexpectedly be reminded of this hate. Simply walking the corridors at work can suddenly become a sad reminder that there are people who don’t respect or like us. Deliberate misgendering, jeering, and the redicule can seem like minor school yard antics, but they can wear people down through a constant bombardment. This might not always seem like hate in the same way, but the willingness for someone to find us a target for laughter suggests that we are viewed as less. It means that we constantly need to draw on that extraordinary reserve of strength and resilience but sometimes need to rely on others.
Dealing with this reality
Unfortunately, strength has its limits, and all of us have had days where it gets the better of us. Where we go into our shell, try to hide away from the world, burst with rage, or simply feel like giving up. Our ability to bounce back from this often depends on the support around us. The people whose presence and positivity represent that there are those who admire and love us for our true selves.Thankfully, I have some of these people in my life to keep me going. However, it goes beyond just being a shoulder to lean on.
We need allies that take a stand and will resit the hate fueled barrage that tries to bring us down. The willingness to take a stand on our behalf and call out the hate, to add their strength to ours even at the risk of becoming a target is important. It demonstrates that while we might be feeling pretty low, there are people out there showing that we are worth it. This is especially important when the hate turns into a direct threat to our livelyhood and safety. My workplace has shown support and resistance to negative pressure this year, but sadly, many seem to fall down at this test. I can only imagine the challenge of facing this reality alone, which happens all too often.
The strength to resit the hate
Dealing with it all can easily become overwhelming, especially if we have other things going on. It means that like so much of our journey, we rely on having good habits with self-care, to allow us to escape and distance ourselves from the noise that circles around us like a cyclone. We need the support systems in place to help us deal with the mental health fallout from all the hate.
However, we also need to resit as well as survive. We need to show how we can thrive in spite of all the hate. Finding the strength to continue to be bold and visible for ourselves but also others in our community. We need to show the world we will not be erased by such hate as we have no other choice.
