New Years is the time when we always reflect on the past 12 months and set goals for the year ahead. Not necessarily one to set a resolution as I find these often to be specific. Instead, here are a few things I want to leave behind and a few good things I would like to focus on this year.

Leaving in 2023

Negative workplace

The past year has been a real battle at work, especially since coming out and starting to deal with some discrimination from students. While this was limited to year levels, I didn’t teach it, but it started to create a negative space. The fact that having an impact on my ability to fulfil my leadership role at the school was also impacting my own sense of self-worth more than anything.

Added to this, the substantial number of dissatisfied staff due to student behavior and poor administrative leadership meant that I became an outlet for lot of my colleagues. As the president of the Union Sub-branch and a Leading Teacher this made sense, but it did mean that a lot of my year was spent trying to address a range of issues. This became increasingly frustrating as both school leaders and staff failed to act on advice or take any action to change the situation.

Both factors contributed to my decision to move on and find a new job for 2024. While I am not expecting everything to be perfect and completely free of any potential discrimination, things are looking more hopeful.

Resentment

As I have explored previously resentment is common feeling amongst the Trans community as we all have moments in our past where if people had acted differently then maybe we things might be in a more positive space. In many cases these feelings are justified, however they do risk poisoning our relationships and prevent us from moving on with our lives. I am no different and throughout 2023 I have been hanging on to a few things especially as I waited to start HRT. Whether it is connected directly to these delays, the complete obliviousness of family to current political issues or even the lack of engagement in things that matter, it all really started to mount up.

Now that the HRT milestone is behind me, and I can continue to move ahead with my transition, I am going to make a concerted effort to put these feelings in the past where they belong. Afterall, resentment for decisions or actions that have occurred is especially pointless since it is impossible to change anything. I am on my journey now, wiser and in a better situation, although undoubtedly with its own challenges, than if things had worked out differently. In this context resentment is a complete waste of energy and only going to hurt my future so it’s time to leave it behind.

Procrastination

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that my favorite Shakespeare play is Hamlet. It focusses on procrastination which has been my problem when it comes to writing. I’m never short on ideas and even have a completed novel sitting on my hard drive for the last few years but have continually failed to really take any positive action for some time. Whether it has been looking for an agent, trying to build my profile or really focusing on networking it really hasn’t been a focus. Granted there have been other more pressing matters in my life the last 18 months but writing has always been a positive outlet, so the lack of action contributed to a negative place I was in before coming out.

The truth is I am being a little hard on myself as definitely this blog and my associated presence on social media is in part about building a platform for my book, but it has also provided an outlet throughout my journey which has taken priority. However recently I have started to take some positive steps by writing new stories, my first since completing the novel and submitting to a few competitions late in 2023. This has already showed some promise with ‘An Inconistent Line’ being my first story to be long listed and published in 2024. My goal is to continue in this vain and try to capatlise on these opportunities rather then falling back into old habits once things seem to get abit harder.

New focus for 2024

Deepening my connection with community

Since coming out, I have taken a series of steps to connect with the LGBTQIA+ community starting with online groups before finidng a safe space at T-Generation gym. This culminated last year in attending the Drag Expo and after party. Every new step has been a little daunting especially for someone that has been guarded with their interactions and has for the last 20 years been deliberately controlled however each new experiences has allowed me to start coming out of my shell in an environment without the judgement of other non-supportive environments.

Considering the positives of these experiences, one of my goals for 2024 is to continue to seek out new experiences with the support of those around me. Whether it is attending a few families friendly pride events or engaging a bit more in some queer nightlife on the off occasion it’s going to continue to open new horizons and increase my confidence. It’s not going to always be as simple as commitments and my own reservations will no doubt get in the way but even if I take a couple more steps it will help support my journey.

Invest in my hobbies

It has been a long time since I have really prioritised some of the things I have always enjoyed. Reading, Boardgames, Xbox and MTG have all been past times which have at various times dropped to the wayside. While playing MTG and Boardgames haven’t disappeared intently they definitely became less of focus in 2023. These activities for me are especially important as they social opportunities as much as anything and especially as a shared interest with my wife is an important investment in relationship building.

However, more individual interests like Xbox and reading had nearly fallen off completely. Partly due to the demands of a changing lifestyle but also through depression, procrastination and other less healthy forms of escapism. Thankfully in 2023 I started to find a way back to some of these pursuits and managed to read more than handful of books for the first time in about 5 years. The positive impact reading especially has on my frame of mind and sleep patterns has been immeasurable the last few months. Which is why these interests are something that I am going to start investing a bit more time in not only for myself but the opportunities it opens with my family.

Living in the moment

At various times over the last 2 years, I have been guilty of being too reflective and lost in my own thoughts rather than enjoying the present. Sometimes this might have been due to engagement with online communities, but it has been overthinking the way I am perceived or the interactions with other people. At times, these thoughts have been all consuming, especially with the added complexities of family and relationships. I doubt I have been the only one struggling to simply focus on what is in front of me.

As part of my attempts to be a bit more positive in 2024, I am committed to trying to focus more on enjoying each moment and making the most of the experiences in front of me. This is especially important as my son continues to grow up and starts school. In some ways this means making the most of holidays and the time we have together is more important. The last 5 years have been great and we have shared alot of experences. However, there is no doubt that our individual minds have impacted some of these moments in the last 2 years. It is one of many regrets and feelings of guilt I have about my journey. I can’t undo this and realistically wouldn’t change it but I’m going to avoid losing myself in other stuff and instead try to enjoy everything as it happens.