It has been a little while since my last post as even the thought of typing something out has been a bit much. So far 2026 has been challenging and full of stress. It’s put me under the sort of pressure that is reminiscent of those first few weeks after I came out, where uncertainty, fear and doubt had me curling up in bed to escape confrontation. I managed to get through it all 4 years ago in large part due to a stable work environment and through connecting with community.
However, now the situation is different. Work is one of the areas that seem to have fallen apart as a result of everything that has been going on and while I have some good ties with community I am now in need of a very different kind of support. One that sadly is tied up in waiting lists, medical bills and bureaucracy. Once again while the situation is very different I have found myself questioning my identity and wanting to curl up in bed with Brody (my blahaj).
School refusal and diagnosis
Over the last 18 months things have been pretty challenging on the home front. My 7 year old son dealing with our separation and the reality of my transition has really been struggling. Gradually the cracks have started to show and his ability to mask has fallen away. So this time last year after some professional advice we started searching for a diagnosis. In Australia this is a costly and time consuming process requiring a referral from a GP to a Paediatrican and then a multidisciplinary team in his case a speech pathologist and psychologist. A year after starting the process and $4000 later it was confirmed that he is ASD with PDA. Now even without the official diagnosis it started to become a bit of a formality so both my ex and I have been trying to adjust and provide the support he needs. However, it is a steep learning curve and without access to the proper support and funding we have made limited progress. Even now we are on the waiting list for appointments and still need to go through the slow process of an NDIS application so we can access the next steps. It is slow and frustrating process to get the support that our son needs.
During this time things seem to continually unravel, with an increase in school can’t, heightened levels of anxiety and technology addiction. It means that parenting is a constant challenge, requiring patience and flexibility to negotiate different situations and try to understand the underlying causes of our son’s anxiety and frustration. On a fortnightly basis on my week I often spend hours in the morning trying to coax our son out of the car using rewards, trying to unpack anxiety and putting in place options with the school. Yet, nothing works constantly as there seems to be multiple factors contributing to his anxiety. Meanwhile at home it is a matter of trying to use the right language to navigate potential conflicts around technology, encourage him to eat properly and regulate his emotions. Other parents with children on the spectrum will be able to relate with how exhausting this can be and just how crushing it can be when the insults and tantrums starts.
While it is definitely challenging there are some pretty nice moments to be had as a parent of a neurodiverse kid as my son is very affectionate, has some strong interests and is quite advanced in some of his thinking. Throughout a day we will have plenty of cuddles and he can say some of the sweetest affirming complements. Just the other day he read me book called “Kisses for Daddy” to help cheer me up. It also means that we have found ourselves fixated on some of the same interests like trading card games, anime and video games and at 7 he is already engaging with some higher level strategic thinking. All of which has lead to some pretty good times. Sadly however these positives don’t tend to make the day by day tasks any easier.
It all starts to snow ball
I haven’t been feeling especially good about work for sometime. As someone that was always very career driven taking a step back because of my identity a few years ago has never really sat well with me. Moving into the private sector didn’t help either with less protections and different management structures adding to my frustrations. However, despite making the move for my own safety I also haven’t escaped all the anti trans BS completely and it been challenging to stay motivated. Now battling increasing challenges in the morning and higher levels of stress has added another layer of hardship.
Some people think that teaching is fantastic for parenting as it can mean an earlier finish time during the week and of course we get school holidays. The truth is that these things also come with a degree of inflexibility and expectations when taking leave. Firstly we need to leave work and provide a plan for our class and additional we notify the school’s daily organiser early in the morning so that cover is arranged. This is easy enough for an appointment, even if you wake up sick in the morning but when you son can’t manage to get out of the car in the school car park and you’re meant to teach a class in 30 minutes it makes it hard. It has added a level of additional stress to an already challenging situation. Only part of this is sorting out the admin and cover each day the other side cuts deeper. The one constant that has seen me through so much is completely falling apart as I feel like I am failing my students and the added stress is impacting my ability to be a patient and calm support for my son. So I am reaching the point we something has to give and realistically that may mean a change in career which is a whole new level of uncertainty.
Assessing my own neurodiversity
Like many parents, my son’s diagnosis has created a lot of questions for my own potential neurodiversity. I have always known that I had certain traits but never really considered the potential that I might be ASD and it is only the last few years after my brother’s diagnosis that I considered the possibility of ADHD. However, while I may have been open to these possibilities in the past it seemed unimportant as I was coping and had found success despite the stress of coming out. I put this largely down to maintain my daily routine as while somethings changed at home the break down of my marriage took a few years and my daily routine continued mostly intake only with gradual change as I continued in my transition.
Now after more than a year living on my own and struggling to create my own routines I recognise how much my ex compensated for a lack of organisation and forgetfulness. Added to this the current situation with work and it seems like all the structures in my life have completely collapsed and I am struggling to implement strategies to regain some level of order in the chaos. On top of all this I have the overwhelming stress, the demands of making medical appointments and the sensory overload that can accompany one of my son’s outbursts so it is no surprise I am constantly burnt out. It’s left me struggling to deal with things that I felt like I had control over and have found my existing coping mechanism insufficient for my new circumstance.
This feeling has pushed me to consider seeking my own diagnoses not because I need a label but rather I want some understanding and strategies that might help me regain some stability. I need to know why I find certain things so hard and why I seem to be struggling more than others. I need to be able to have some self compassion and start to work through my own negative self talk especially if I am going to be a strong support for my son. Hopefully, this will help in the long run as a little clarity and perhaps some strategies I can implement rather than relying on others to compensate might be the answer.
Revaluating and questioning
The process of a diagnosis again means looking back at some of my old behaviours through a different lens, trying to understand certain repetitive traits and challenges I had when I was younger. This brings with it some mixed feelings as I revisit some moments that feel ashamed of and times when I was an outsider struggling to fit in an mirroring other peoples behaviour. Being trans it also means I am struggling to understand how much of my social anxieties were connected to my gender identity or this possible neurodiversity, where does one start and the other finish or is it all just interconnected and that is why I felt so out of place.
Now I realise I would hardly be the first person to be both neurodiverse and trans, lets face it their is a far bit of overlap in that particular Venn Diagram. A diagnosis does mean reconciling new information and potentially coming to terms with another aspect of my identity. So now while my transition is far from over I found myself on a new journey of discovery and am just as uncertain where it leads and what it will mean. However, I feel that if could have some important implications for me and my son going forwards.
