Deciding to move on and put myself out there was a scary thought, but one that has definitely paid off thus far. It was a decision that involved getting over a lot of self-loathing and hesitation. Thankfully, it was definitely a risk worth taking, and it has proven that I can find someone else that love isn’t just a single chance in a lifetime. It means that I am once again looking positively to the future and not wondering about some unknown which I struggled with last year. One thing about any new relationship is learning to love the difference as there is no replacing what has been lost. This year has been about embracing different interests, being flexible, and allowing a new partner to help me heal.
It’s completely different relationship
This relationship was always going to be different. I was starting to date as a transwoman in my 30s with a child, so the emotional support, stability, and overall values were always going to heavily influence what I was looking for in a relationship. Being open to almost anything that could help fulfil those needs meant there was always a fair chance I would find someone very different. I met an amazing man who makes me feel special and loved. Someone that respects the ongoing challenges I have to face and wants to support me as best he can without placing limitations or expectations on who I am. He accepts and adores the woman I am.
I thought that it might take time to adjust to being a girlfriend and being close to someone else. Yet, it felt quite natural, perhaps a sign that this is just who I am. Whether it was being treated a certain way, his hands running down the small of my back or snuggling on the couch, it just started feeling so right from early on. Part of this might be being with a man but as a transwoman I can feel how it things are just more Insync than they used to be. I still miss things about my previous relationship and value the good times we had together, but the difference means I am much more at peace.
A source of constant positive support
In so many ways it has been a very challenging year, dealing with harassment at work, the challenges of parenting, working out the details of my separation and moments of dysphoria. At times it has really felt overwhelming. It is these times when a supportive partner has helped keep me going. Giving me plenty of positive reassurance when I’m hard on myself and talking optimistically about the potential outcomes has been a blessing. As someone that his highly self-critical and has struggled over the last few years with guilt this was what I needed in a relationship now. Someone that would help give me some perspective and encourage me to show myself a bit more compassion.
My ex was supportive in her way of constructive criticism which for many years seemed to work if I could be in a reasonably positive mindset to keep some optimism at times. However, once I started getting into a more negative tailspin about our situation and dysphoria was getting me depressed, the critical attitude just served to drive me deeper into a hole. It was never her intent to be cruel but just her nature to provide critical feedback on most things, she has always struggled with just giving the positive reinforcement we all need at times.
Affirming and supporting my journey
One thing I worried about starting to date during my transition was that my partner might have clear ideas about the path I should take. I had just escape a situation were my ex had clear beliefs about what ‘real women’ do with their expression, so I wasn’t looking for anymore gate keeping or control. Thankfully, I managed to find the exact opposite, someone that will encourage me to do the things I want whether it is getting a tattoo, dying my hair, or wearing something a bit revealing he just wants me to feel free to express myself, it has been a refreshing change. This attitude means that I have even been able to broach conversations around my dysphoria or thoughts I have had about surgery, these are no longer taboo or dangerous topics instead it’s an opportunity for me to try and work things out a little with a supportive partner that wants to help.
The fact that I never had this with my ex isn’t all on her and her reaction to my transition but also reflects the very different context of these relationships. One where everything was turned upside down in an instant and we were both trying to play a little catch up with the added complexity of a young child while the other started from a place of prior knowledge. Obviously, I wish she tried harder to understand dysphoria and the importance of gender affirming care which may have made things different, but I can only really imagine how hard it was in her head. Maybe if we had talked about things more, we both would have been better off, but we can’t change the past. Thankfully, we can learn from it and let it inform how we move on as I feel like I have done here.
Relationships with different things in common
One of the most important things in any relationship is having some things in common. Previously, that focused a lot on sport, crime drama, boardgames, and good wine. However, a new relationship means that we often find different things in common with a new partner. Some of these are even things that occupied less of my time in the past. Now, it is all about history, science fiction / fantasy, video games, and music. This means that the activities we do together on a regular basis are often unique to our relationship. It means this last year I’ve spent a lot more time playing couch co-op on xbox, seeing movies, visiting beer festivals and searching record stores, then I have the last 5 years while I have watched a lot less footy. It is about prioritising the things we both have in common and sharing the things we do rather than trying to make new relationships fit the old mould. In a way, moving on and accepting the difference means that so many of the memories of my ex are also still special to our relationship.
It isn’t just our shared interests that matter but our willingness to go outside our comfort zone for someone else that I have found refreshing. In the past I was left to pursue certain things on my own which my boyfriend still encourages however he is far more inclined to do things simply because they matter to me. Whether it is coming to a couple of football games, going to see Kesha or playing MTG regularly at the local game store he is always been happy to go with me. At the same time, I’m ready to head to any beer festival he wants and am happy to take his dog for a nice long walk. This flexibility is different to what I have had previously and is amazing as we are both introducing each other to new things while being supportive of the things we both like to do.
This new relationship is now a year old and it feels like we are just a great fit for each other. One based on positive support and enjoying the time we spend together. The next twelve months hold a lot in store for us as we continue to gradually progress our relationship but I’m looking forwards with a bit more positivity then I had a year ago.
