It’s been two years on HRT, and things continue to change, albeit slower than I would like at times. Yet, I feel like I have finally got to a bit of a tipping point the last couple of months. One were I am generally pretty happy with what I see in the mirror. That is not to say that I don’t struggle with dysphoria at times, but these moments seem to be increasingly rarer. Instead, there is the general satisfaction even bordering on joy every time I see my body. After two years, it is a distinctly feminine body with curves in the right places and my own little breasts. It looks and feels more right than ever before and is just giving me a little buzz at the moment.
It hasn’t been like this the whole year.
This is a reasonably recent feeling as early in the year there were times when I really struggled. After starting progestrone, there was a clear desire for things to take a giant leap forward, and while I definitely feel like it has made a positive impact on my development, it is not some miracle ingredient. As a result, it took some time to see any visible influence with the twins getting a little rounder. However, other things were more noticeable, and while an increase to my libido was welcome, it also meant my body would react in ways that could be a bit triggering. It’s probably no surprise then that I spent a fair bit of time considering options for surgery this year. Eventually, I reached a point where I could recognise that this was probably a path I did want to take, but it’s just not going to be feasible any time soon with my responsibilities as a single parent. Thankfully, this recognition and acceptance did bring with it some degree of comfort. Perhaps this coincided with things settling down somewhat and feeling a little less like a cat in heat.
Not all about the hormones
As a transwoman going through my second puberty, of course, HRT is responsible for rearranging my body and making it reflect my trueself, but it isn’t in complete control of the final product. Diet and exercise also play an important role in sculpting the overall product. So, the fact that a series of injuries has impacted not only my ability to excise but left me in chronic pain has been a pretty significant factor this year. In part, this has been because I have felt physically let down by my body and was left wondering how much of my hip pain was due to my shifting body structure. In addition, not being able to work out means that I lost a lot of conditioning and strength while gaining a bit of extra weight. This meant that at times this year, I was feeling pretty low. Thankfully, a cortisol injection and some regular rehab have helped me get a consistent couple of months back training and seeing pretty clear benefits. This, alongside the ongoing effects of HRT, has really helped me feel positive about my body and they way I look.
Dispelling old fears
Starting my transition in my 30s meant that I was always battling the damage of a testosterone fueled puberty. There are so many things that can’t be easily undone , so many in this situation, I struggled with the idea that I shouldn’t transition. The thought that I would never look overly feminine and be happy with my reflection was a constant thought, especially in the first year of my transition before HRT. Ultimately, I decided the benefits out of bringing my body more in line with who I am allowed me to push through these fears, and I relinquished the idea that I needed to pass be considered valid. Having dismissed these fears, it still brings a degree of comfort, now reaching a point that I am fairly comfortable and happy with my body, the occasional dysphoria aside. It highlights that we shouldn’t be held back by hypotheticals that are impossible to predict but just focus on the benefits we know are possible.
Still have plenty of growth and change to come.
I am 2 years in, but realistically, my second puberty will keep rolling on over the next few years, so there is still plenty to look forward to. Further body fat redistribution, breast growth, and a continued decrease in body hair growth can all be expected. It means that I have put a hold on seriously contemplating anything other than bottom surgery for least a couple of years. So that I can probably understand the body HRT will give me before judging the need for any more changes, especially for the top half. At this point, though, it is looking fairly positive that I won’t feel a need to take too much surgical intervention, which is definitely comforting.
It’s been a journey so far with plenty of milestones, but getting to a point where I am generally comfortable in my own skin is definitely the biggest. It is the entire reason I started, so 2 years in to be reaching that point is amazing and something I am not taking for granted.
