Everything in my life at the moment seems to be about adjusting to a new normal. Whether it is new routines and living arrangements or my continual journey to self actualisation, it is in everything. Most of these new changes may be very positive steps, but the constant lack of familiarity and the need to establish new habits is exhausting. This would be hard enough to deal with, except there are also those moments that remind me what I have lost, which tend to really hit hard.
The single parent life
New living arrangements always brings a level of adjustment. Moving out of home into a share house or with a partner are big learning experiences. However, adjusting to living alone is equally huge. Finding the time to complete all the household jobs that used to be split between two people, cooking for yourself, the silence, and the lonelyness it is all new and presents different challenges both in terms of time management and mental health. As someone who has spent 35 continues years living with other people, the emptiness of my townhouse does sometimes get to me. That absence of anyone to ask about my day and give me the opportunity to celebrate my wins or vent is a bit of a problem.
However, being a single parent with shared custody does make this adjustment a more complex situation. Since not only have I been dealing with the times I am alone, I also need to adapt to being one out with a 6 year old. The inability to step away, especially with challenging behaviour or workshop solutions with another adult, definitely makes things harder. Added to this is the fact I am constantly swapping between these two states it has meant that it really has taken me time to settle into a rhythm. It is obviously something a lot of couples have to go through after a separation, and it is no doubt challenging for my ex, but it is probably never really discussed. Thankfully, being on fairly good terms means that we can still collaborate on setting some boundaries and providing some stability for our son. I would hate to imagine how hard it is to adjust for those different circumstances as the odd phone call or discussion at drop off has been so important.
Adjusting to priorities myself
A focus after coming out of my relationship and part of my journey moving forward is really priotising myself. This has definitely been an adjustment as despite what other people might think, it is not something I am really familiar with. I have always made concessions and tried to balance things the best I can. Even after coming out, I tried to slow things down or avoid doing things that might be frowned upon. So now that I am in my own place, I decided that 2025 was about prioritising myself, at least as much as I can with a 6 year old.
This is not as easy as it sounds. Spending a lifetime putting others before yourself means there time when I am constantly second-guessing whether I can justify doing something. Hell, going to spend $200 on that red leather jacket was not as simple as it sounds, but going to see Kesha was almost a week long battle with myself. I am slowly getting better at doing these things and have taken the plunge in a big way by getting my first tattoo, I have only been thinking about this design for 2 years but could never pull the trigger before. Hopefully, this may be a bit of a turning point where I have finally broken those old restraints, but in all likelihood, it’s going to take time.
Continuing to adjust to womanhood
After being on hormones for more than a year, the change to my body and mindset are now pretty well established. However, as any Trans fem will tell you, that doesn’t mean we click into perfectly fitting into every different social situation or know all the feminine arts. It is a constant learning curve full of adjusting to a new norm. Whether that is learning more about taking care of my hair or getting used to the fluxtions in energy levels and that loss of muscle mass it is all part of the ongoing journey.
Socially, it is a whole new world as well. Girl talk may come naturally enough because it was something I always felt comfortable with. However, it is more the subtlies that men take for granted in social interactions and the way others interact with me that makes it an ongoing thing. Being out at a restaurant and hospitality staff deferring to my male companion is something I never considered, until now. Some of these things are affirming in different ways by demonstrating that people view me as the women I am, but so many show the inherent sexism ingrained with in society. Being able to experience this makes it so much more obvious and is only emphasised by the adjustment period as it is not something that I have grown up indoctrination to accept.
The old memories
These last few months have been full of new experiences and changes. However, as exciting as some of this new world is for me, it also reinforces the things I have lost. Doing things with my son has been amazing, whether it has been attending Pride events, playing board games, or going to the beach. However, we are probably both haunted a little by the ghosts of the family we used to have and feel that lose at different times. Even on my own, there are those instances where I momentarily lost as reach for someone that isn’t there.
I have found the secret is to confront these moments and not to go into a shell of avoidance. It is hard and definitely brings on those feelings of loss, but I know the longer I wait to get out there and enjoy different activities we used to do together, the harder it is going to be. It’s like ripping off the bandaid. You just have to do it fast and get it over with. It doesn’t mean that I am devaluing what I had with my wife but rather taking the steps I need to adjust.
Read more about my journey as a trans parent , being myself and moving on
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