After coming out and exploring my formally repressed femineity, I have been building a host of new habits and routines. Some of these aren’t completely new like going to the gym but have changed and become more fulfilling. However, others are completely new and surprisingly enjoyable. One such habit is regularly giving myself a manicure and freshly painting my nails. My fascination with nails was a little unsurprising as I had always kept my nails long and have always had a nice natural shape. However now my fortnightly and sometimes weekly routine is a pleasurable time and one that continually brings joy and euphoria.
Finding Joy in slowing down
Obviously, the result is important, but what I like most about painting my nails is the process itself. It’s never just a simple coat, for me it starts with a manicure as shaping my nails and treating my cuticles are as important as the product. In part these steps of course affect the overall appearance, but they encourage me to take some time out from the hectic pace of modern life and prioritize myself. In addition, taking this time to apply a feminine skill is also affirming every time. I can reflect on my progress as well as the joy of pampering myself, a concept which I denied myself as I tried to uphold a masculine persona. This enjoyment of the process is also the reason I regularly give my wife a pedicure. Which has become an oppertunity for us to connect and talk without constraint or interuption.
A joyful look
Of course, the goal of painting my nails is also part of looking more feminine and providing an oppertunity to explore my expression. In some ways, people might think I would therefore opt for pinks, but this wouldn’t really be me. Instead, I normally go for various shades of blues and greens, in part because they fit with my style while tending to be a bit more eye catching. This fits with my personality perfectly. The finished product therefore always makes me smile and brings me a healthy dose of euphoria. Initially this was more a sense of pride while now it constantly makes me feel like myself. Even after a couple of days a quick glance is a mini shot of endorphins.
Positive validation, The biggest joy of all
This was not something I really considered until I started painting my nails, but they seem like a real source of positive and validating comments. Whether this has been from complete strangers at a bakery, people at the GYM or colleagues at work, these comments come regularly. In part these might be aided by my colour choice, which has been the focus of a few remakes. Yet, everything from the shape to the evenness of the coat has been the source of a positive remake at one time or another. Regardless of the comment each time while I politely thank them and outwardly try to playthings cool, I am suppressing (attempting to anyway) a huge grin. Each one is a small recognition of the steps I have taken on my journey. More than this is that I feel accepted. This is the biggest payoff of all.
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