As a child it seemed like there was a time when playing dress ups in your mothers’ boots and having tea parties with soft toys is no longer cute for a boy. At this point it became second nature to resist and hide any pull towards feminine interests. Even then I didn’t know why I had these interests or urges but knew that they would not be viewed as normal for a boy my age. It would be a sure-fire way to become a target, especially at an all-boys school.

In the early 2000s there was a trend towards a more inclusive environment but sadly this hadn’t reached my little corner of the world. Instead, my influences both at home and school mostly reinforced a ridged stereotype of masculinity, which didn’t allow for much exploration. I doubt this was ever really a conscious choice by anyone, but the way society impacted their own desire to conform, well except for my teacher that ranted about ‘homosexuals all going to hell’. I know in my brother’s case it was a similar pressure to conform and desire to fit in that influenced his behaviour and he could not have known the impact that had on me. Even some of the minor moments in our childhood had a lasting impact that change the way I would present to the world, for instance I remember one Christmas my brother got a watermelon T-shirt and he refused to wear it because it looked pink. It was much the same at school, classmates threw around casual homophobia on a daily basis many of them unaware of what they were really saying. The message was clear, there was a certain range that of behaviour that I could fit into otherwise I’d become a target.

Secret Pleasures

Even despite the social pressure and my growing sense of self-loathing during these times, I did find some moments to indulge. Thanks to Cheez TV I could often hide my enjoyment of shows like Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor amongst the daily program of cartoons that my dad recorded every morning. Similarly, Saturday Disney provided me with Hannah Montana and Kim Possible, so I managed to enjoy a fair bit of girly screen time since by the early 2000s my brother was well and truly over childish cartoons I didn’t have to worry too much. I wasn’t going to be discussing anything at school the next day, but I could at least have this freedom alone at home. At school it was far safer to stick to Dragon Ball.

My mother’s passion for literature also provided me with a few opportunities since she loved watching the BBC adaptation of ‘Pride and Prejudice’. At some point she stopped ‘making’ me watch it and I started putting it on myself. This was especailly easy once my own literary passion was well known as it became a ‘literary’ pursuit. The fact that I idealised Elizabeth Bennett for her wit and rejection of social expectations was of course just the effect of Austen’s masterpiece. This is what I told myself and what everyone else assumed. After ‘Pride and Prejudice’ it was ‘Emma’, ‘Sense and sensibility’, ‘Wuthering Heights’, ‘Jane Eyre’ and ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ really anything my mother and I could watch together. It meant when I mapped out my Arts degree, I made sure to choose subjects where I could study these books, a path which exposed me to even more feminist ideas without the slightest concern. Even though the Gender balance in the lecture theatre was heavily skewed there was an enough guy there to mean I didn’t stand out.

Yet, these literary adaptations along with something like ’10 Things I hate about You’ was really my only opportunity to indulge in anything resembling a modern romantic comedy. It was impossible to really watch much else, my mother liked the classics and never really pushed us to watch anything ‘cheesier’. The only exception to this was ‘Love Actually’ after all it had Colin Firth who had been one of my mother’s favorites since that ‘Pride and Prejudice’. This provided me with an opportunity and after ‘begrudgingly’ watching it with my parents as I had nothing ‘better’ to do, the DVD suspiciously disappeared, and I spent more than a few days in my room. Even today, despite its obvious problems, ‘Love Actually’ holds a special place in my memory as one of my earliest experinces with modern romantic comedy.

The only slightly outwardly visible sign of some of my inclinations at the time was my hair salon. Since I was a young boy, I had gone to the family barber with my grandfather and Dad. However, after Pa passed away when I was 12 those links broke down a little bit, especially since it wasn’t all that convenient. Instead, Mum’s hair salon a short 5 min walk from home seemed a much more practical option. After the first time, getting my hair washed and having a friendly gossip, I was hooked and remained a regular for nearly a decade. It would have been longer if they hadn’t moved the business and became a little more out of my way. It sort of lost its practicality, especially once I got my long hair clipped off for a fresh masculine look but that is another story.

Forbidden Pleasures

Of course, there were a lot of other interests that were definitely impossible to even consider. The idea of getting my ears pierced for one seemed fraught with danger. Even though more guys at school were getting it done it seemed like for someone that felt like they had to hide, someone that felt wrong it might make people ask questions. Combining earrings with my longer hair thanks to embracing the idea of a mullet before it was back in style and the group of nerdy outcasts, I spent time with might just be a bit risky.

Similarly, I kept my musical taste safe. Australian Pub rock fit the mullet perfectly and considering I was drinking heavily most of high school was a natural fit for the persona I created. This morphed into more punk, hard rock and heavy metal which was definitely still acceptable, but the themes tended to speak to me a lot more. All of this had a common idea, it was all stuff I could belt out and feel, releasing some of my frustration. To this day I still like all this stuff I grew up with and I am still a diehard Maiden and AC/DC fan, sometimes like in the case of Linken Park I even find a bit of new meaning. However, amongst this persona there was no room for the things I heard on the radio that I liked Alanis Morissette, Pink, Lady Gaga, Tyler Swift and even the Spice Girls. I loved singing along to all this stuff in my head but definitely wasn’t going to share that one with anyone.

As I got older, I became more aware of these forbidden pleasures that I was denying myself. Afterall with more life experience I got exposed to different things like Nail Salons, massage parlors and day spas. All of which held a growing fascination for me after high school, but my social programing was well entranced by this time, and I saw all these places as female only spaces. Of course, I recognised that some men got a manicure and so on, but it seemed still clearly linked with a queer presentation for me. Especially for someone the felt wrong about themselves and still desperately trying to hide this fact from the world.

Learning to embrace these interests

It is unfortunate that coming out doesn’t just undo decades of social programing. This is especially true for me as I feel that I still need to bridge the gap between who I am and who I was for others so that I can keep the people I care about in my life. I know that this is still not particularly healthy but at least this time it isn’t permanent, it’s just for us all to get comfortable. Besides, after denying my truth for so long and having no experience walking into a nail salon it takes time to just relax, especially when you have the added paranoia of being trans and expecting everyone to be looking at you with some disapproving x-ray vision.

Somethings, however, do come easier than others. It seems unlikely but those public expressions of my identity that I enjoy; like getting my nails done, going clothes shopping (this will be a whole different post) and visiting a spa have been fairly straight forward after the first time. In terms of taking care of my nails especailly this has been a whole new world for me that I have thrown myself into from day one. As I still enjoy doing my hands at home, the process and the pride in the end rest continue to make me smile.

It is more perhaps the things that are percieved in a shift in existing character traits in a more personal setting that I am having a harder time breaking free. Sure, I have a few new playlists on Spotify so I can sing along to Miley Cyrus, Pink and Kim Petras in the safety of my own car but I’m still not letting that side of me out everywhere. Similarly, while the first thing I watched after coming out was ‘She-ra and The Princesses of Power’ followed by Sailor Moon Crystal I’m still reluctant to admit to people I like the occasional ‘cheesy’ rom com. This is still from a prevailing sense that such an admission would be a sign of some drastic character shift that everyone is afraid of or I feel like it is a bit cliche to be overly girly as a trans woman. Regardless I still feel constrained by society and myself, which pisses me off.

I feel like this is shifting slightly over the last few months however and I am embracing more of myself publicly. Whether this has been a result of the calmness if have expereinced as part of HRT or just natural progress it’s impossible to tell. The main thing for me is that I continue to embrace the interests I enjoy and become confident enough to say proudly that this is who I am.