This might seem simple enough for most people and some probably think by embarking on my transition that I have already been prioritising myself. However not only has is this difficult form someone like me that is overly empathetic and considers the impact on others before themselves. In reality most of my adult life has been a compromise to help support and limit impacts on others. My transition hasn’t been any different over the last almost three years and only more recently have I really started to free myself from such constraint.
The delay’s and restrictions placed on me
After I came out a few things about my possible path were a clear source of distress for my wife and were quickly given up as a real possibility if I wanted to maintain my relations. The big one straight of the bat was the idea that I would even consider bottom surgery one day firstly because my wife saw it as unnecessary but also the potential for complications on major surgery made it a risk. Other surgery was also frowned upon but with a far less stanch response. However at the time HRT was seemingly on track to start in a couple months so it seemed like a distant possibility, and maybe an unnecessary one. Yet, I couldn’t start treatment when I wished as our desire for a second child and my wish to satisfy my wife’s aspirations meant I delayed but months stretched well beyond a year. Even after we started the IVF route and their was no longer any logical reasons for further delay, it was a dedication to put her emotional wellbeing and wishes ahead of my own. So as I spiralled out of control and reached closer to breaking point my desire to start HRT was overshadowed by my concern for the impact this would have on my marriage. Ultimately, I reached breaking point making a clear decision to start which really still felt like begging. It was perhaps the moment I started putting myself first in my own transition and some things did follow regarding my expression but it has been a gradual release of restraint.
Finding a style for myself
The compromises didn’t just relate to medical considerations but the way I presented. Firstly with restrictions placed on the colours I could wear or the shops I could purchase clothes from, even the idea of colouring my hair was viewed negatively. Some of this was instilled through direct stipulations while others were just reinforced through negative commentary, especially if I tempted to wear that might be a little short or potentially share a style element with my wife like capped sleaves. Realistically for the first year or more of my transition I stuck to these restrictions, however giving in wasn’t helping our relationship and often still meant that I didn’t feel like myself at times. It was while I was struggling with the delay’s starting HRT when I brought something from one of ‘her’ shops but realistically it took a year for me to wear it by then I was looking for a reaction. All of this not only built a growing resentment on my part as I became more conscious of how these expectations were limiting my expression but did nothing to actually help my wife adjust. It was a compromised existence were no one was benefitting and realistically I have learnt that no one should be controlling another person in that way. Our decisions should always be our own.
Starting to find myself.
Realistically, it wasn’t until about 6 months ago when it was clear our relation was over that I started to really explore my expression and embrace my identity properly. This included getting a few more piercings, starting to wear a some short skirts and tops that really represented my inner self someone with a bit of sass and attitude. Still this was a slow process and it took another three months to summon the courage to get an under cut and a little light colour in my hair, despite the fact I had been talking about it with friends for over a year. This was not a fear of how the wider society would judge me as it was only slightly left of centre but the remaining reservations about how my ex would view the change. I shouldn’t have worried, she was obviously so past caring or in her mind had given up that control that it took her a couple of months to notice the colour change. Yet, while I am definitely closer to my true self the busy conclusion of 2024 didn’t really allow me to branch out much beyond the visual expression besides a few nights spent out with community. There is still much about myself I not only need to learn about but also reconnect and prioritise going forward.
The plan for 2025
So in some ways it is simple, just do the things I won’t to do and prioritise these things around my responsibilities as a parent. That means continuing to develop my feminine interests in make-up and fashion by starting a beauty coarse on the side which I have been looking at for the last year. It means re-connecting with my interests in music’s both old and new styles by building my vinyl collection and getting to more live acts. It is going to including getting my first tattoo which I have been telling people about for nearly two years, hell if it looks good I might even start on the second. At times it might mean staying up late playing computer games or watching movies and all other kinds of nerdy pursuits, who knows I might finish painting all my Warhammer that is if I can stop building new Commander decks. Somewhere amongst all this I am going to continue to write and build on my first two publications, maybe even get that literary agent. The truth is it is going to included a lot. The things I would not allow myself to do out of fear and the things I have given up along the way. These are all things that are part of who I am and I am getting to the heart of the matter. Who knows I may even work out the answer to surgery question but now it is going to be my decision.
So if your following on and here for the journey I think 2025 could be pretty fun but is hopefully only the start of a new outlook to prioritise myself and stop worrying about the rest.
read more about my journey over the last year, or the joy about finally starting HRT
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