Out of all the trans memoir and personal experiences since coming out I have found Mia Violets journey from “Self Loathing to Self – love” the most relevant to my own journey. That is not to say that I have had the exact same challenges and moments of triumph as no two stories are the same but there clear similarities. This is perhaps not all that surprising since we were both born in the late 80s and experienced life growing up in the same era. Yet, where her journey really connects with me is that we seem to have experienced similar thoughts at times like the the idea of being ‘Trans Enough’ which I remember discussing with a friend in a panic state of mind 5 days after coming out desperately trying make sure I wasn’t making some huge mistake.

It is the fact neither of us fit into the trans stereotype as a child growing up in the 90s that really foster this perception of ourselves. No doubt there are a few others out there that can relate which makes this the perfect book to not only help validate their experience but also help guide some self reflection. As their were several moments reading Mia’s book where I staired wide at the page and was suddenly better able to understand my own feelings and the ongoing need for growth.

Structurally

Overall, the memoir is easy to read and follows a clear liner structure which focus on describing Mia’s experiences and feelings. The real highlight of her style is that it effectively takes the reader inside these moments which feel genuine and evoke a real sense of empathy without being over written. This ability to engage with these emotional experiences are even greater for me and no doubt many others due to their relatability. However, it is also the use of detail that Mia uses in her account which she often provides of these pivotal moments that make them real and would allow anyone to visual the situation and empathise to some degree.

Throughout the book Mia does regular break up her account with a broader discussion of key issues relating to the trans community. These are never all that long and are related to the specific experiences she has just described, for instance after here appoint with the GIC she discusses trans health care in general. These snippets offer a clear opinion but don’t drill down and become some dense explanation of evidence but rather an accessible explanation of her stance and the general experience of many trans people. In this way, I feel that it her book would work to effectively introduce allies and family to some of the issues we face, especially if they have been driven to educate themselves.

The path to acceptance

Many of us take a long time to truly accept ourselves and often travel a path filled with hesitation and backward steps. This is what Mia describes in the first part of her memoir a young person that felt out of place as lining up with the boys felt wrong. It is a period of confusion that positions her as an outcast at school and leads her to connect with the trans community online through Gaia which allowed her a brief moment of self-realisation as a teenager. However this is quickly destroyed through a lack of support from her mother which is reinforced by the idea that Mia doesn’t fit the stereotypical trans kid of the 90s, after all she likes superhero’s. This really raises the central idea of Mia’s memoir and the question that she isn’t ‘trans enough’ and forces her to relinquish her dreams of transition, feeling instead that she must be an imposter. In addition, the negative outcome of Mia’s early attempt to come out clearly highlights the impact of unsupportive parents not only within the immediate crushing rejection but her ongoing struggles to accept herself for years afterwards. Sadly, this is a common experience and in Mia’s case her parents never really change leading to ongoing heartache and rejection later in life.

Perhaps tragically, I never got to the stage of coming out as a teenage as I lacked the same level of awareness and acceptance but I did struggle with similar moments. That similar feeling of being out of place or wrong, drove me to internet searching for answers in my teenage years. I never found Gaia or engaged with the community at all but I was drawn towards research looking at HRT and GRS at one time became an obsession. It was something that interested me and even longed for however as I became more fixated on the possibility of a transition I started finding things to invalidate these thoughts or scare me off, for example the increased chance of breast cancer especially with a family history. The moment that seemed to dispel this thought forever was some site I stumbled onto that outlined possible psychological assessments needed for a diagnose to access gender affirming care, one in particular that required the patient to draw themselves in both genders seemed impossible. As I couldn’t even picture myself as female at the time, yet someone that was ‘really’ trans would draw this first. This simple thing that I could not even fathom, invalidated everything that I had felt, if I could not pass this test there was no way I was trans or so I thought. So like Mia, I had to deal with trying to soldier on, for me this meant throwing myself into academics and setting carer gaols that would be a distraction from my loneliness and feelings of inadequacy.

Our shared experience really highlights the beliefs about Transgenderism present in the 90s and early 2000s that we needed to fit a very specific mould. That trans girls were hyper feminine and played with girls toys, that we wanted medical transition and always visualised ourselves in a certain way. This mindset invalidate us and countless others as we didn’t tick all the boxes so we found ourselves to be like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs as “He’s not a real transexual, he just thinks he is”. It left us in a depressing no mans land. Thankfully the conditions for assessing Gender Dysphoria have changed under the DSM 5 and there is a better understand of difference within trans identities. It meant that later in adulthood many of us can find that validation and opportunity to explore our identity. In Mia’s case ability to engage with a positive relationship with Loretta means that she finally found space to explore herself and the support she needed to talk to someone. This decision allows Mia to finally talk through her long term feelings and draw her own conclusions but like many of us growing up in the era she needed that validation for a professional to confirm she was indeed trans.

This has always been the part of the memoir that related to me the most, almost like I could have written it myself at times. Even down to some of Mia’s interests with anime and heavy metal as well as many of her experiences. However what really drives that connection is her ability to describe and recreate the emotions of these experiences which took me back to these moments in my own life.

Starting her Transition

The next section of the memoir lacks the same level of personal connection for me as our paths diverge fairly significantly. However this does not dampen my enjoyment at all, rather I simply gain different things from the text. While the first part helped validate my experience and improve myself awareness this middle part of Mia’s journey was more of an opportunity to learn. I could learn from Mia’s strengths and decisions to navigate certain challenges like her relationship with her unsupportive parents, changing living arrangements as well the contextual differences of seeking Gender Affirming Care in the UK. On the whole I relish these opportunities firstly as they provide perspective on my own challenges but also it improves my overall understanding of the different experiences within the Trans community. This knowledge it so important to better connect with trans siblings by supporting us to provide a greater level of empathy for each other.

Of course, while the details and specifics of this part of our respective journey’s less relatable there are still moments and ideas that connect with me. These are less about share events or experiences but rather shared thoughts and feelings. Whether it rejecting that is instilled in us or our frustration at being told to slow down with our transition and of course those sudden moments that dysphoria comes crashing down on us. Mia deals with this later feeling especially well as she describes those moments when we take of our make-up after a euphoric experience only to be punched in the guts but image in the mirror. These moments and feelings that are easy to connect with are not all negative however as Mia has natural lightness in her expression that really captures the positive moments like her experience at Nine Worlds, that opportunity to just be ourselves. That sort of Euphoria is hard to really explain as it feels so surreal in many ways, yet I feel like she catches it perfectly and in away that any trans person would be able to connect with.

Reflections and positive outlook

The final part of the memoir diverts a little from the overall structure as Mia talks less about specific events but instead focuses on how she changed her outlook and recognised concerning trends in her behaviour. In some ways for me this is where I am at in my own journey currently so it is interesting to see some of my these struggles and attitudes reflected here. The need to be mindful of a more positive approach to advocacy rather than responding to all the latest attacks on the trans community is but one example. In some ways this is the point at which we can really gain a real admiration for Mia as not only has she come through her own set of challenges but there is a real drive to continue to support the community while continuing to grow as her own authentic self by resisting more negative emotions.

As a result the memoir ends with a real positive note and the reader is not only left with happiness that Mia’s managed to find a good space but a sense that we might be able to get their too. It left me not only thinking about the changes I need to make but also a sense that by taking certain actions things will workout.