Acceptance is a pretty powerful act. Especially for anyone in the LGBTQIA community. Many of us live in fear before coming out, so that initial reaction has so much importance. Being met with positivity and a warm hug, or something as subtle as an approving node, is amazing. Sadly, however, none of us can take that acceptance for granted as rejection is far too common, especially from family. This is exactly why the community and chosen family are so important, so that there is a place where we can still find acceptance. Even then, as a trans woman, sometimes a safe place can harbour some hurtful gender critical views that leave us alone in an increasingly hostile world.
Initial acceptance is life saving
The initial moment, whether coming out to family or meeting new people, is huge. All the anxiety and fear are heightened in that moment, and we figuratively hold our breath, waiting for people to react. Will all our fears be realised? Could this have been any worse? No doubt some are greeted with silence, which lasts an age for others it will be a flood of tears and sadly for some there seem like nothing but anger. That moment is our most vulnerable. We are laid bare desperate for acceptance and understanding. The impact of not finding it is catastrophic and is a major factor in the alarming mental health statistics that seem synonymous with our community.
Yet, even after that initial movement, we spend our lives coming out and meeting new people. Each time there is that little sense of hesitation, of anxiety, as we hoped to find acceptance. Even now, living my life and working in teaching confident in my identity, I still face a lot of trepidation meeting new people, especially professionally. As someone who can be shy and nervous anyway, it does mean summoning my courage with every new person I meet. It can be exhausting. Finding new friends that accept me is therefore all the more important as the validation helps make the effort worthwhile.
Actions are louder then words
Words have power, especially in that initial moment. They are so important for validating our identity. The first time people in our lives use our names and pronouns can almost bring on a few tears. Similarly, being called a daughter, aunt, and sister each has meant the world to me and show how my family has embraced my identity. Yet, that point when words turn into actions is where it goes beyond acceptance it becomes about support. It can be correcting someone using the wrong pronouns, abandoning the HP franchise, going shopping together, or a visit to the nail salon. Sharing these affirming moments with people especially for the first time is amazing, not only does it provide us with courage and guidance but also that sense that someone we care about wants to share in our journey. It really can break through the isolation as at times we can feel very alone and alienated, especially in the current negative climate.
Perhaps the most meaningful acts are the symbolic ones. Someone buying you an affirming gift, something we can keep and wear as a constant reminder of their love and support. However a parent passing something down is by far the greatest feeling. It is not just a recognition of our identity and a sign of support but a desire to create a new connection with us beyond what we already had. Thankfully, I have had this and know how truly special this moment is but will never lose sight of how lucky I am.
Acceptance needs to become normal
The reality is that acceptance is an ongoing and continual process, not just something people show in that one moment or a series of moments. These are important, but it is the everyday routines and habits that count the most. It is the point at which the subtle things that mean so much to us start to go unnoticed that we can really feel accepted. Using the current pronouns becomes assumed, being included in different groups and conversations, the way people act around us. It might not be something that is easily identified, but we can all tell when people have truly accepted us. They cease to really see us as trans and just view us as anyone else. This is seems to be easier for new friends and people we meet as they don’t really have a perception of us as any thing else, so their is not the awkwardness or concern of accidently deadnaming or being unsure how to interact with us.
However despite this I do have a couple of different groups of friends that adapted really quickly and just embrace me for the way I am seemingly with out the need for such much effort or patience on my part. It means prior relationships is not a road block to this level of acceptance but rather perhaps the level of understanding, existing acceptance of LGBTQIA identities or the nature of the relationship might be more of a factor but really it just comes down to the person.
Rejection isn’t always immediate
The sad thing is that in many cases, it is the people we know the best that have the hardest time. Part of it is their sense of loss, that they see our transition as a reason to grieve and therefore view our new identity as a reminder, even the cause of that loss. In my experience, this can feel like a form of rejection, which in some ways burns the most. They may recognise our gender, use our pronouns and name, but actually just reject us and see us a new person. It is a painful and slow realisation that means we live for a time in hope, but ultimately, it is an inability to accept that this is always who we were deep inside. Perhaps in some ways, the flat-out refusal to accept us as Trans is easier as we can make the decision to cut ties and move on. Perhaps not. Either way, rejection hurts, and only by finding those that accept and support us unconditionally will we ever start to heal.
