Throughout our journey, there are new experiences and opportunities to learn more about our identity. At times, this leads to moments when we feel stuck or like an imposter. Despite our best efforts, things don’t seem to come naturally, and their still seem to be nagging doubts. Where we constantly question ourselves and feel shackled to the past. It means that while we might be well supported and we have this internal resistance.

In many ways, this year has all been about getting over this block and embracing myself. It has been about being prepared to move on and breaking through the different barriers that prevent me from doing things. This is perhaps epitomised by Trans Takeover 3.0, a lifting showcase held by my gym. This is not just because it is another opportunity to deepen my connection to community but more so that it represents a change in my mindset.

Starting at T-Gen

I have shared before how important it was for me to find a gym where I could be safe and explore my identity. The first year or so of my transition, this was a life saver as I was boymoding at work, and T-gen gave me a space on weekdays I could decompress before heading home. Whether it was a group class or just an individual session using the open gym I had somewhere I could funnel my frustrations while exploring what it means to be trans. The work out space was one thing but the opportunity to talk about some different experiences or vent about issues at home was equally important. As a result T Gen has been one of the real constants over the last few years as the rest of my life seems in a state of flux. It is hard to imagine were I would be now without the gym and the community I have found there.

Struggling to feel valid

The sad truth however is at times I felt like I didn’t really know how to be myself in this wonderfully supportive space I had found. As much as I really wanted to break free of my old reserved and cautious persona it seemed to be impossible to let go. Maybe it was the fact that I spent so much time changing between two identities that I couldn’t really leave things behind at the door. That Saturday’s were different seems to suggest the situation boy moding was definitely part of issue. Those sessions definitely felt more relaxed and I could really start letting my natural self shine a bit more. However, this sometimes just emphasised some of the disconnect I was feeling during the week. It meant that I didn’t always feel valid which is a strange thing to say considering the environment but my inability to relax made me doubt myself.

The ranging testosterone in my body didn’t help this feeling either. It meant that for a year and half or so I was still heavily driven by a need to compete, a need to prove myself. Those old preconceptions that had dominated so much of my time at the gym since I was a teenager due to growing up in toxic masculine dominate environment. Not only that but of course as I started lifting heavier weights in my mind it seemed to push me further away from my goals as I had internalised sexism that equated strength with masculinity. It was especially hard around this time of year as the gym was getting ready for the Trans Takeover their annual lifting showcase for trans and gender diverse participants. Each year the competitive side of me wanted to be apart of the event, yet I was at odds with myself and felt like a bit of an imposter. I knew this was illogical and all in my head but I couldn’t get over it.

Turning a corner

However, this year its different, it seems like I have finally learned to embrace the complexities of my identity and been able to shred a few shackles. Obviously, starting HRT has been a big part of this as it not only has freed me from the effects of testosterone but also helped improve my overall headspace. In addition, while it has been a difficult year and my life feels like it has been in free fall the last couple of months have put me on a trajectory for a fresh start. It means that I am no longer beholden to the old perceptions and reservations that had me confused before. I actually have for a clear idea of who I am for the first time since starting my transition.

Thankfully the environment at T-Gen is still there for me to work all this shit out and really learn a bit more about myself. They have continued to support me during the toughest times this year and helped me build some more connections. More importantly they have helped me grow in confidence and continue to come out of my shell. This all culminates tomorrow with Trans Takeover 3.0 as I have learned to embrace the idea that I can maintain my new found femininity and still be strong. In fact that this strength, like so many others things I have found this year are essential to my identity and I finally feel valid.