The last month as some are aware has been pretty hard. As I mentioned at the start of the year I was lacking motivation at work and really struggling to focus due to some big personal issues. Even with a lot of interruptions and a real difficult time in March I felt like I was getting a handle on things early in term 2. Sadly, that seemed pretty short lived and everything started falling apart, work, my relationship and annoyingly my car so now I’m trying to put my life back together again. On step at a time.
Not the right environment
After being forced out of my last work place due to transphobia and harassment, I hoped this one would be better and the honeymoon period definitely seemed that way but in many ways I was always out of my element in some way. Most of my career has been spent in public education which means not only a certain set of expectations but also despite regularly changing schools it meant a regularly straightforward and familiar organisational structure, one where I clearly understood my role and place. In hindsight I misjudged how important this structure was for me and as soon as a few things started going wrong I found myself a bit lost and with out the same levels of support I was used to working for a government department.
In the end, I knew it wasn’t the right environment for me going forward and more than once I was left wondering whether I really wanted to continue teaching. Despite realising this I hoped to make it to the end of the year but that hollow feeling in the morning when I was getting ready for work told me it was time to move on, so I made the difficult decision to resign. It leaves me without a regular job for the first time since I was 18 and now I am contemplating what’s next. There is definitely still some passion still to be in the classroom especially teaching history but as this job has highlighted it needs to be in an environment that sits with my values and needs more effectively. However, after 13 years in the classroom I am also open to exploring different possibilities, to use my skills and knowledge in roles beyond the traditional teaching environment. It means I am at a bit of a cross roads and in some ways lack the certainty I am used to having which is a little scary even if the thought of something new is a little exciting. Regardless of the next steps, as a parent that is currently without a job the financial pressure is definitely on and it means I have to find work even while I figure this staff out.
A Surprise breakup
My decision to resign was weighing heavy on my shoulders but at the time I thought I had the necessary support around me to get through it. So it came as a real shock when my boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days later after all we had seemingly been going so well together. A couple of overseas trips, plenty of fun and the ability to just relax in each other’s company. However, we always were on slightly different paths and while I have been wary of this to begin with it seemed like we would be able to adapt. It therefore left me pretty devastated when he came around and confessed that he didn’t believe he could compromise and adapt in the way we need to continue our lives together and therefore reached the conclusion that breaking up was the best cause of action. While I couldn’t really fault his reasoning on our long term future I did feel betrayed by his about face on our future together as I was wilfully unprepared.
I spent a few hours in tears but it took much longer to really sink in and accept that it was over and probably wasn’t till I messaged him a couple of weeks later that I really started to move on. Of course the way it all fell apart so quickly has left me questioning myself and got me thinking about what I really want going forward. Sadly, my confidence in my own judgment is going to be a work in progress as is moving on from the relationship I thought was going to be my rock moving forward. Now I just wish I can find some who is as supportive but perhaps more honest with themselves about what they are willing to live with in the long term.
The hits keep on coming
After things just seemed like they might start to settle my car decided it was time to pack it in. Realistically, it was my fault for not looking after it over the last year and driving it way past time for a service but it deteriorated pretty quickly in the end. Sadly it wasn’t until after I paid for a new starter motor that I was told that the engine was gone and mostly likely need to be replaced. This bombshell also just had to coincided with the week I had my son which really just highlighted that I couldn’t go with out a car as I had to rely on parents to get him to school which wasn’t going to work in the long term. So it left me with an immediate problem and limited funds to fix it.
After doing some research for a new engine and factoring the potential wait time as well I made the call to try and get a used car on the cheap. Thankfully, I managed to find something with only a little more kms. It was more than I really wanted to pay (somewhere on the low side of nothing) but I am hoping it is going to be reliable. It does put me in an even tighter financial bind however and I really need to get some CRT hours but at least if something comes up I can get there.
Getting through this
These three things have meant I’ve been pretty low at times over the last month so when I can I’m trying hard to get out and engage with the things that help lift me up.
- GYM has been a life saver – getting the chance to focus on something, work on myself and exercise frustration has kept me sane.
- Reaching out to friend – I knew after the break up that I needed to talk to people or it would all turn inward and it really helped the first couple of days.
- Spending time with my son – he is always so happy to see me I feel a little more energised and the unconditional love is just what I need.
- Getting out socially – Regularly heading out to the LGS to play Magic has been huge, both as a reason to leave the house but also to connect with people and just have some fun.
- Putting myself back out there – it might seem early for some but in my mind the longer I wait the more those doubts are going to start eating away.
Still, I have a long way to go until I am back feeling like my joyful and happy self and there might be a few more bumps in the road. The most important thing is to be a little patient with things and be ready to give myself a break, especially if something doesn’t work out from here.
