After reaching my first little 3-month milestone on HRT and getting ready for my first follow-up bloods, I thought it was a perfect time to reflect. Starting out I had a fairly good idea of what to expect as I am thorough in researching things. How HRT, like many things in life, can is something that can only be really appreciated with experience.

Finally getting started …

Like many trans siblings, I had a delayed start. In my case, this was due to personal circumstances and relationships, however it still started really taking a toll as aspects of my dysphoria were going untreated. Especially as I was feeling that my steps in social transition were become less significant, the accumulating effect was becoming too much.

As a result, finally taking those first steps and starting medical transition was a very cathartic release of tension. Those first few days and weeks before any chance of seeing any medical effects were almost filled with a state of bliss. It just felt so good to stop waiting and know that I was able to take the action needed to address my dysphoria, improve my mental health, and really feel like myself. I expected this to fade fairly quickly since it takes time to really see any sort of impact, and I was pleasantly surprised that my positive outlook seemed to hang around.

Dropping the T

Now, as any Transwomen on HRT will be able to attest, noticing the drop in T can happen quickly. By the time that first positive wave of starting was really starting to evaporate, it was starting to become obvious. Potentially, the most positive aspect for me was dropping the male libido and everything else associated with it. In my case, this brought a real sense of calm and a real sense of serenity as I was no longer fighting my own body. In reflection, it also helped to reaffirm my decision and identity. Since ridding myself of these male feelings brought nothing but peace, I figure it is just one more bit of evidence that I’m definitely not Cis.

Of course, dumping T is not a complete picnic. The loss of energy is extreme. After about a month, it started hitting me like clockwork. Between 1 and 4, I was done. As someone who has always survived well on 5 to 6 hours of sleep, the sudden drowsiness was a little frightening at times, especially if I was in the car. Thankfully, since this was over the summer school holidays, I was able to have a few naps along the way and didn’t necessarily have to function anywhere near my best. Even after the estrogen started to pick up and take over, which has made an enormous difference, my energy levels are significantly lower. So, I think I’ll have to get more used to snuggling up warm in bed. There are definitely worse fates.

Finally, dropping T does also start to bring the first physical sign with a noticeable drop in body hair. Unfortunately, hair removal is going to be a fact of life and in a way an affirming experience, but the drop in chest hair was a welcome reprieve. Even though I have, thankfully, never been overly hairy it was still really getting to me so the fact it has decreased to a handful or so of stray hairs at this after 2 months or so was amazing.

The promise of future HRT induced changes

Now, while it takes a lot longer to have anywhere near the same level of impact, noticing the first estrogen induced change was exciting. While my hair was growing faster, it wasn’t the first thing I really noticed. Mainly because I was a little shocked that I felt the first signs of breast growth after 2 months. It seriously took me more than a week to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. It was after my 5-year-old son left me screaming in pain that I got the picture. However, it is amazingly surreal to be enjoying and celebrating the discomfort as it is one of the most important physical markers of HRT. Of course, this weight redistribution has a long, long way to go, but these first early signs are a promise of the future ahead.

In contrast, things like an increased rate of hair growth and increased skin sensitivity are more subtle. There are times that they become more noticeable, like after looking back at photos from 3 months ago and actually realise how much my hair has grown. However, without triggers, they can go a little under the raider. Despite this, realising that progress can be fairly satisfying, like you just found some money in a jacket pocket.

Mental, I have noticed I’m a bit more emotional but haven’t seen the impact others have mentioned. However, there have been a few teary moments that suggest I might start bursting out crying randomly in the near future. Regardless, the higher sensitivity has definitely paired with the calmness I mentioned earlier to help me feel more centered and much more myself. Additionally, it has made moments with my son more rewarding as every hug seems twice as powerful.

Final thoughts

HRT is not for everyone, but the last few months have proven it is the right path for me without a doubt. Looking back on the impact on my mental health, my only real regret is not having started sooner and prolonging my own misery. Unfortunately, a lot of trans people don’t have this luxury and are stuck on waiting lists or are restricted by their finical position. Now, with the increasing tide of anti-trans bills, this is only going to get worse. More than ever, I can really appreciate the anxiety created by such restrictions as to go without would be terrifying. I know for me there is no going back, so I only wish others could have the same freedom.

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Read more about my first year of Transition and the ongoing journey