In April 2022, I was a mess. It had already been a very intense 6 – 12 months questioning my identity and feeling tormented by self-doubt. Finally, I woke up to myself and accepted who I am, but this didn’t really help much. Instead, the months that followed were filled with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and an overwhelming fear of the future. It was clear I couldn’t go on this way, and regardless of the consequences, I needed to make a change. So, my course was set, I was going to transition.

Coming out

A few plans and possibilities were running through my head, but my thoughts were dominated by overwhelming fear of the reaction. As such, I never had a clear idea how to break such earth-shattering news to my wife and parents. Perhaps if it weren’t for a little happenstance with a school friend coming out on Facebook, it all would have played out rather differently. In the end, it wasn’t great timing, but I doubt a delay with more planning would have been much help. The likelihood is I would have been driven out of fear to delay, which would have had a pretty harmful impact on my mental health. Even besides this in the aftermath, it became clear that some of the strategies I had been considering would have backfired and caused more issues. Overall, it was for the best, especially since it meant I had the support I needed in those early days.

The fallout

The next few months were hard as a took things slow to help those in my life adjust. It is hard to walk when all you want to do is run. This is especially true when things are challenging and when you’re feeling guilty about the pain you’ve caused. Add to that the imposter pseudonym on the ongoing doubts it is maddening. All I wanted then was an opportunity to have more positive experiences, to prove to me that it was worth it. Even more so to prove with each new hit of euphoria that this is who I am.

It was tough taking things slow, but it gave my relationship a chance and helped me manage the wider complexities of work. As a high school teacher, it isn’t just coming out to a group of colleagues but a whole school community. This meant that I had to take it slow professionally to make sure I had the right support. Even so, by the start of 2023, I was out social in all situations, so living a double life at work was starting to take a toll even with the support of my colleagues. Once again, it seems like life has a way of sorting things out as students started stumbling onto some of my social media, and rumours were circulating. It was realistically the push I needed, and while it was once again terrifying, getting up in front of each of my classes, it was such a relief.

Even so to think that this was going to solve all my relationship problems is especially naive. Especially since regardless of the timeframe my transition requires those around me to continually adapt. Whether it is the way I dress, my new name, changes in my appearnce, my behaviour or the sound of my voice these have all been part of my journey so far. For me each step has been a moment of progress to be celebrated often with a wave of euphoria and this real sense of self-fulfilment. However, these steps also reinforce the lose felt by others and are a constant reminder of the impact I have had on their lives. Such things perhaps may always remain a clear source of tension but hopefully while there are these changes the core of my personality has remained and hopefully the similarities will gradually help allow those I care about to move past the pain.

Overcoming new Challenges

Coming out at school had brought a new host of challenges. Everything from contempt, disgust to outright transphobic comments came my way. Students started boycotting class, and others snuck into my office. Yet, I could be myself and found new levels of strength and self-confidence having to deal with such an environment. Even more, I found a slightly new purpose to educate and confront the toxicity of the school to support any potential LGBTQIA kids suffering in silence. As an educator, I have always tried to have a positive impact on students and have experienced success, but this was on a whole new level. Although I made the decision at the end of 2023 to change schools, there were some powerful moments that I have taken to heart and continue to inspire my renewed passion for education.

Regardless of the hardship, at last, I could be myself more completely. It gave me the freedom to really start exploring my expression a little more holistically. To start understanding the ways I wanted to present in different environments. The way I could maintain my authority and presence in the classroom while being myself. This was a learning experience last year and really hasn’t been until I’ve landed at a new school with a more supportive culture that I have really found my comfort level. It has been amazingly empowering to be more genuine in the classroom and I feel in the long run will only enrich my classroom experience.

HRT and the overwhelming wave of calm

Initially my plan was to start hormone replacement therapy within about 6 months of coming out. However, due to relationship reasons and the decision to take things a bit slower this was delayed by more than a year. As no clear timeframes were set this indefinite pause was increasingly difficult to manage as the month’s past. At first, I tried to make more progress in other areas like my legal name change, getting rid of my beard and starting voice traning but these gradually had less of an impact in managing my mental health. By October 2023 it seemed like I was once again teetering on an edge, and I just needed to start ASAP which meant November the 22nd once I could organise the necessary test and appointments. It really could not come quickly enough back then.

Starting treatment was truly the answer I hope it would be and given me so much more relief than I thought possible. Firstly, after the first month or so starting to experience the early effects of the Cyproterone and the decrease in testosterone was amazing. Not only did it decrease my anxiety and dysphoria around my anatomy, but I felt like by shredding the male libido I finally had a bit more clarity. Once the Estradiol started to kick in this calmness started to really develop as the sense that I was wrong, the noise inside my head dissipated, it was like I finally felt right.

HRT is a slow process and I feel like there will definitely be more tears in my future. However, this is itself comforting as I feel like I am finally able to express my emotion in a way that feels right, rather than lashing out and being consumed with despondent anger or depression. These ongoing mental shifts that allow me to experience myself and connect to my emotions are as important as the physical changes that will take years. This is as much about learning to let go of expectations, drop my controls and just be comfortable in myself in a way that has never been possible. It is truly the stuff of dreams, and I never could have imagined it until I started down this part of my journey.

External vs internal challenges

Coming out and my ongoing journey has created a few challenges along the way and many aspects of my life are still a source of uneasiness and distress. This is going to be my reality for a while yet, but this is different from the struggle I had before. These sources of potential misery are external, due to my relationships and the roles I am expected to perform in society. They are as much about adjustment, reforming connections, and education as anything. Many of them are manageable or at least seem like they can be partially addressed through my own agency. The decision to change schools is a perfect example as to decrease the negative implications of a poor working environment I found a new supportive workplace. In this way I am luckier than a lot of my trans siblings as my position in society helps create options and I am not battling an unsupportive family. However, in my situation these hardships while bringing me to tears and at times seem to almost beat me down aren’t unsupportable.

In contrast, the old me may have seemed like it had a much easier life free of a lot of society induced distress, but it was only on the outside. Internally, I was a wreck. Constantly debating myself, in an endless argument about myself. Overthinking all social interactions and consciously trying to mirror behaviour to seem like I was just like all the other guys. It was exhausting and constantly reinforced this feeling that I was wrong, and I was terrified that at some point the world would see it. The reasons for these feeling and the understanding of myself may have come later but the distress had been their since school. It was a constant, that I had managed for decades and had warn me down to nothing. This sort of internal battle seemed hopeless and reached the breaking point where I couldn’t manage anymore. Except by taking the only real action I ever had.

Completely worth it

It is not surprising to me that most of the trans community experience greater satisfaction after coming out and transitioning after all this has been my experience. I am not free of challenges; they are still very real and make life hard, but they don’t compare to anguish that I have left behind. The loss of this pain itself makes it all worth it but the positives of revealing in my own identity and connecting with my emotions make it reward. I am not only free to explore myself, to express my identity but I have found a new strength and confidence through this journey that makes me so much more.

I started my transition to save myself from the hell I was experiencing in my own mind, but I am continuing it out of the joy that this journey has shown me is possible.

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Read more about some of my past experiences connecing with community, embracing my feminie side and my experiences over the last couple of years.