Since coming out I have been focused on connecting deeper with my wider trans community through an engagement with memoir. Over this time, I have read and reviewed several different memoirs from transwomen, transmen, and nonbinary people. This has helped validate my own experience as well as helped me to learn about the diversity within my community. Amongst these memoirs have been several written by prominent figures in society that have become the target of the media spotlight such as Elliot Page and Danielle Laidley. As public figures their ability to control their story has always been limited and therefore a common theme has been the need to reclaim their narrative and tell their story on their own terms. On a more intimate way coming out is always about attempting to tell our story but even without the added pressure of the public spotlight we are forced to find ways to reclaim our narrative.
Learning from others
Attending a recent talk with Danielle Laidley and fellow trans writer Yves Rees was an opportunity to reflect on the need to take back our story in more depth. Listening to Danielle relive the now infamous Herald Sun photos that broke the story of her transition to Australia her continued pain and anger was clear. This moment impacted on her ability to come out on her own terms as well as providing the conservative press an opportunity to present her transition in a negative light. The leaked photos showed her in a vulnerable state because of battles with addiction, an unfortunately common occurrence for members of our community. It was an action taken purely out of a commercial desire to create a sensational story based on the oddity of circumstance without any regard to the personal impact, hardly responsible journalism. The impact on Danielle was and continues to be immeasurable as her story was taken and distorted to fit the narrative of a commercial paper.
It is this circumstance that has been one of the major motivations behind her book ‘Don’t look away’ and the recent documentary on Stan. Both are opportunities to tell her story in detail, to unpack the internal struggles and social pressures that are the real story behind the images in the papers. However, it is also the opportunity to express the positives and joy at finally being able to live as her authentic self, thus demonstrating gender affirmation as positive lifesaving care. By sharing this story Danielle has been able to effect a change in perception by reclaiming her narrative and framing events in the proper context to build acceptance rather than ridicule. It has no doubt been an empowering step and clearly one that can also be rewarding for its ongoing impact as a means of support. By reclaiming the narrative, Danielle is aware that she has done more than address her own misrepresentation but also helped to fight the negative public perception of transpeople in general.
Our own stories
The importance of having control over our story is not just relevant for those in the public spotlight but also anyone considering coming out. These moments are emotional times where we are asking for people to support, accept and hopefully understand our truth. Our ability to share, have control of these moments and choose the narrative we tell is pivotal to achieving this regardless of the context. Unfortunately, with the spread of social media and other digital technology alongside the potential volatile reactions of people it often becomes impossible. In these instances, we must attempt to reclaim the narrative as best we can otherwise the version perverted by social discourse and other people’s reactions may become the dominant version present in our relationships.
In my own experience this is not something I am unfamiliar with, especially as a secondary teacher. In this context as part of my social transition it was always going to be part of my story to have to share with students as well as colleagues. Initially, thanks to a supportive and understanding Principal I had control of the process of coming out at work and how much of my story people needed to know. However, as part of my journey has been connecting online with the broader trans community and freeing myself to engage in commentary, students eventually found my social media. As a result, word quickly spread and most of the small school population knew to some extent. The pull was initially to react and come out the next day, answering the looks and whispers on their terms.
This may have seemed like the way to take back control however I wasn’t emotionally ready and still had no plan for telling students. Any such response would have been rushed and poorly executed and ultimatly one students’ terms. Instead, I waited and began laying groundwork through the promotion of the Transgender Day of Visibility and gradually pushing my presentation to be more feminine. This allowed me to potentially identify students that might have negative reactions which helped me establish a plan to tell my classes with a clear foundation of support in place. Speaking to each class on my terms in this way meant that not only had the final timing been my choice but I was able to decide on the details I would share, frame any discussion on my terms and maintain control. Towards this end coming out in a difficult environment was successful and I was able to maintain effective relationships with most of my students and continue to have a level of respect despite our public perception. It of course has not been without issue, but these have been far less than if I had acted in haste and lost control of the narrative completly.
As both examples demonstrate it is therefore imperative to maintain controll of our story and how it is shared. Yet, this is not always possible, and it might become easy to become reactionary, defensive, or aggressive as a result. Unfortunately, even though these are all understandable reactions they are going to feed the negative representations we are fighting. It is only through establishing a way to attempt to reclaim our narrative that they can hope to undo this perception and work to gain the understanding and support we need.
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