The quest for authenticity and willingness to be ourselves

Obviously, the idea of being ourselves is integral to the decision to come out as trans and beginning this journey. After all, it is building on our understanding and realisations about our identity, which leads us to make a statement that we need to live our truth. However, even making this monumental step and starting our transition, it can still be rather hard to embrace our authentic self. This is because of a range of social pressures and expectations, which means we are still encouraged to present a certain way within our preferred gender. This is often reinforced by the desire to pass or fit in, but regardless, the reason it means that after everything, we go through many trans people are sadly still unable to be their authentic self.

The quest to pass

This is something I am going to revisit in a later post since the idea of passing is a significant topic to discuss. However, here I really want to focus on how this quest or desire to pass encourages trans people to adhere to stereotypes. It sort of goes without saying that if we project the traditional ideal of our preferred gender, society is going to be more comfortable since it seems to reinforce some of their perceptions. This means for a trans women like myself if we embrace female interests and activities without going to over the top and girls mixed with long hair and a pretty dress it is going to be easier to get accepted.

On face value, this is fine if these are the qualities or interests that we have. However, it can easily become a situation where we feel like we need to act in a certain way and fit this stereotype to be accepted. The moment this pushes us to fake certain interests or reject things that we like because they don’t ‘fit’ the ideal, it becomes a bit of a betrayal. It means that once again, we are sacrificing our authentic self to fit in with Cis Heterosexual expectations on gender. This is where I have issues with the emphasis on passing as it creates that pressure to conform. Passing is not itself a terrible goal, but I feel like this should always be on our terms and not societies’ expectations.

Fitting in to community

Similar to the idea of passing, there is a definite appeal to taking on certain stereotypes to fit in with the LGBTQIA community. At times, I have felt this pull, whether it is what I wear or behaviour. However, the potential to make meaningful connections when we are still putting on a layer of performance means that they aren’t going to be terribly effective. Perhaps the most important thing to realise about the community is that it is especially diverse, and while certain styles might seem to dominate the public view, there are a lot of different niche subcultures under the rainbow umbrella that means everyone can find a place by just being ourselves.

In my case,it is about embracing my inner nerd and returning to some of my core interests in things like music. Following this has allowed me to realise that there are plenty in the community that love tabletop gaming, hell trans girls that like MTG and D&D are definitely a trope. At the same time, while there are definitely those that are serious devotes of Queen anthems there are plenty of others that would join me at an Iron Maiden concert. Perhaps, where my resistance to LGBTQIA stereotypes is greatest is the seeming assumption that I must be massively into drag. Don’t get me wrong, it is entertaining and like a good show, but I am also not interested in following the scene 24/7 or really trying the over the top aesthetic myself, it just isn’t me. The same goes for clashing colours and alike. Now I am all about giving plenty of attitude and using colour but pride myself on my developing ability to complement and build an outfit. The important thing here is that I’m embracing that authenticity, and in reality, this wil allow me to connect with others.

Lets take it up a notch for maiden with some hair chalk, ofcourse it’s still got to compliemnt

An old classic, leather Jackets have always been my thing

I love being able to wear shorts and showing a bit of leg

Shoing off a new hairstyle, a year of thinking about it I finally got an undercut

Sacrificing authenticity for relationships

This has been my greatest issue at times and especially recently has been one of the ways I have managed the guilt I have felt because of coming out. In my current context the possibility of alleviating some of that feeling by making concessions in terms of my presentation or the steps I have taken in my transition seemed reasonable. These were compromises I made to allow people to feel more comfortable and keep them with me on my journey. However, this means that despite the whole point of coming out I was still not living completely as myself. I was closer to being myself but with people telling me that ‘real women don’t colour their hair” or others suggesting that they didn’t want me to get into the pride movement, there was still a constant pressure to conform to their expectations.

This meant that I definitely felt like I could not really experiment especially in the first year and half or push my expressions beyond a fairly narrow perception of femininitiy. As a result, I lacked my own style, and it seemed I was borrowing from my wife just with the approved colour palette. Don’t get me wrong some of this worked and definitely really helped me learn a bit but it didn’t feel like me and there was still a longing to try something different. It meant that I ended up with a few dresses in my closet for a year before I wore them since I felt like they would not meet the approval of others. The result of this is not only did I feel restricted even when I was trying to be myself but it nutured an ever growing element of resentment alongside everything us in our relationships this was never going to be healthy. Realistically, as much as I am frustrated with people about asking me to make concessions or enforcing expectation, I am equally as angry with myself for making these sacrafices.

Making a change to be authentic

Over the last year, this has definitely changed as I stopped seeking people’s approval for some of my actions and especially for what I wear. In my relationship this added to a breakdown in communication but perhaps the truth was that too many of interactions had become about asking for permission and it was impossible to walk back from this. Depite the negatives, it has definitely meant that I have really started to build my own style that feels much more authentic. There maybe elements that overlap with different sub-cultures and other things, but it has an edge to it that fits with my taste as well as embracing bold colours. Part of this comes from really embracing my wider interests and finding a bit more of that sense of self and working on how to express this in my everyday presentation. I still feel like this is very much a work in progress and I still get a few butterflies thinking about how people will react so their is still a long way to go. However, each new step I take for myself whether it is clothing, a new piercing or a haircut it definitely gives me a real hit of euphoria and reinforces my new focus on authenticity.

Hopefully, this will help guide me on the next part of my journey as there are some big decisions ahead and I need to start making them based on what I want and what is best for my situation.