The past has this annoying tendency to stay with us and no matter how much we try to distance ourselves it might just be a simple photo away. However, the past although often coloured by the present and changeable within our memories is the path the led to our current situation. In tough times then the past becomes all that much worse as it is directly responsible for the suffering we may now endure. This pain may seem impossible to overcome in the moment and led us to some very dark places it has the potential to make us stronger, more self aware and even drive us to make meaningful connections with others.

Considering this it is impossible to really bury the past memories and realistically I would never want to forget or erase it rather I need to learn to let go of certain feelings. So in a way it is about burying the perception of the life I had and actually just let things stand as a testament to the individual events that have made me who I am. To achieve this I need to let go of the dreams, visions or hopes of the past and move on towards a new path forged as much by the present as the past.

The past vision

Over the years as I struggled to fit into the role prescribed by society and my assigned gender at birth I had actively worked towards a future. This became a shared vision as my relationship developed and I merged my own desires for individual success with the hopes for a family. My drive and ambition became focused on providing for my wife and family which at some point meant that it seemed like a stereotype Australian Dream. Perhaps, we cared more about slightly different things in this vision as my focus was making sure I achieved professional success as well as being in involved father. Regardless of our subtle differences it was a path we were on together, one that meant I sacrificed other things like pursuing a PhD which seemed like a vanity project. Realistically, these were sacrifices that I was willing to make at the time in order to help build a shared vision as our life progressed.

This vision of a family together as our son continues to grow up and go through life’s little milestones is especially something now that I am continually struggling to accept. Surrounded by so many of these moments at work as a teacher like seeing families celebrating their children finish year 12, makes this perhaps more present in my thoughts. The idea that this is going to look very different for us now is a real process in acceptance and letting going of this imagined vision of the future. I have to bury these rigid perceptions of what the ideal family looks like have a more flexible vision of how this might look in the future. This is something that I thought I did when I came out, after-all the expectation for heterosexual couple was pretty easy to leave behind as I knew I could never really fit that role. Yet, while the thought we might not make it had definitely been in the back of my mind I guess I lived in a lot of hope and never really had prepared to make that shift. Now I find myself in the situation that I need to let go and move on to a different vision of the future of our family.

Letting go of blame

My ongoing mental health battle has been focused on this perception of blame and responsibility for the breakdown of my relationship. This really gains a foothold in my mind as I have always set my self extremely high standards for compassion, self awareness and responsibility. As a result, despite my own knowledge and understanding providing enough rational explanation to absolve me from blame for the way things have turned out. I can’t help but feel responsible, these reasons may be sufficient justification for anyone else but not me. I lacked the self awareness that I needed to realise I was trans and the courage to accept it and face the implications. This means that at my core part of me regardless of all the logic holds myself to blame which means I can’t possibly move on to better place until I learn to forgive myself and practice a bit more self compassion. It is perhaps my greatest challenge moving forward.

A challenge that has been made all the greater by the views of others feeding this negative mindset. Whether it is the occasional comment from my father or friends it is not exactly a unique stand point. Partly this view is from a perception that I must have always known I was trans or that I should have been able to continue to sacrifice myself to maintain the family unit. Perhaps what has had the most impact on my poor mental health is the regular commentary from my wife throughout the last 2 years as we tried to work things out. The narrative that I have ruined her life and cost her any chance at happiness as well as blaming me for unrelated problems despite some huge commitments has been activity reinforced at regular intervals. Regardless of how much I have unpacking this gross exaggeration, the possibilities for the future or even the illogical nature of some of her views this perception has never moved. Living with this negative reinforcement of my own self loathing has had a continuous impact on my mental health and realistically is one of the main reasons from my perspective for the break down of our relationship. My hope here is that by going our separate ways I can get some distance from this negative and get the space I need to work through my own feelings of blame so I can move on.

A desire to move on to something new

At this stage I am still struggling with what I’ve lost and the constant reminders means that just when I feel like I am handling things I’m once again reduced to tears. I know things are really still in the early stages with plenty of the frustrating details to work out but with everything leading to this point it seems like it’s been over for a while. It means that I really feel like I want to move on and start trying to continue to build a life as my true self. However, at this point I feel stuck in a waiting game with things to be resolved relatively out of my control. The knowledge that I am at least for the short term going to be in this no mans land where I am trying to move on but keep getting pulled back is frustrating. I know the reality is that it is going to take time but until I can really move I feel like I am never really going to be able to let go of all the pain.

Even through I want to be able to move on, the idea is a little bit frightening. Firstly as someone that hasn’t known anything else for 14 years everything is a completely new frontier. Secondly, I am now a bit lost for direction and not really sure what I won’t moving forward. There are obviously a lot of possibilities and the reality of life as a single trans women with a child definitely complicates things. However, the other part of me is looking forward to being able to explore these possibilities and finding a place of my own were I can really be myself. All of this will work itself out and their are no doubt going to be a few missteps along the way but first I need to get through the next few months.