The idea of that everyone deserves to be happy is pretty fundamental to society but it is never that simple. Reality means that a lot of people aren’t happy and may face any number of hardships even so unless you have harmed others there is at least a perception that you should have the chance to find happiness. The problem with being trans and coming out later in life is that we often have this ongoing doubt whether we actually deserve happiness. This often stems from the engrained perception that being transgender is innately wrong based on societies expectations and furthermore we have upset this delicate balance by coming out. However, this notion of self loathing is often reinforced by the feelings of guilt and regret we feel about the impact we have on others especially coming out later in life which may effect our children. It cause us to not only second guess our actions at times but really question our right to happiness moving forward.

Unpacking the heavily engrained shame

Especially if you grew up in the 1990s or before there is a well established engrained sense of shame that we have to work through as a member of the LGBTQIA community. Afterall, somewhere in our youth we were told that we were wrong, we are going to hell, we are deviants. The fact that some of this messaging came from authority figures like teachers made it all the more debilitating. Add to this the school yard homophobia and the constant mocking of trans characters in movies like Ace Ventura and it is no wonder we can form a pretty low opinion of ourselves.

Realistically these attitudes are one of the reasons why it takes many of us years to really come to terms with our identity and even contemplate coming out. After all if it is heavily engrained in your mind that being different is wrong your hardly going to embrace and accept this truth. Instead you look for other explanations, you try to ignore it and do your best to fit in. We start playing the role that society expects and tell ourselves that it is normal to feel so uncertain and out of place. Denial is a powerful thing especially when it is formulated by a fear of acceptance and for the LGBTQIA community that fear is centred around how people will respond and the way we are viewed by society.

Acceptance later in life also creates regret

Thankfully the messaging in society has improved a lot and their are now numerous positive representations of LGBTQIA identities in society. This alongside our continued internal struggle helps us come to terms with our true self and allows us to achieve a measure of self acceptance. This is in many ways a joyous moment as we finally understand ourselves and achieve a moment of peace. However it is also filled with doubt about the future as we start thinking about coming out and often a sense of regret for the time we have lost.

In my case this regret has at different times turn inwards and is a deep sense of anger directed at myself. I am angry that I didn’t make connections when I was younger and that I lacked the courage to explore or even tell anyone how I was feeling. The idea that I was so heavily influenced by social values and constructs believing that I needed to conform to be happy or successful fills me with a deep sense of self loathing. Even as I type this I can feel my own frustration building to think I lacked the strength of character to be myself and instead ignored my feelings contributing to my own present situation.

In my kinder moments, I realise that it unfair to project these expectations of self realisation onto my younger self. Afterall it was a different time, society was far less accepting and we are influenced by multiple factors around us. Part of me even excuses my decision to push these feelings aside as a means of protecting myself and allow myself to find a safe environment. Yet, this never quite seems to dispel that anger and that low opinion of my younger self.

The impact of coming out can be a heavy weight

This perception of myself as responsible for my own lack of introspection and courage obviously contributed to the complex feelings I experienced coming out in 2022. This moment was in some ways a reaction to my regret and an ability to find the personal courage I lacked for so long. However, it also impacted the lives of others and continues to have a lasting negative effect on their future. A large part of the fall out is connected to how people handle our coming out but even if they are accepting there is obviously a pretty significant adjustment. This is especially the case for a long term romantic relationship as our decision to come out changes the status of the relationship and the future. It is excoriating to watch as the person you love is experiencing so much pain and anguish due to your decisions. The guilt especially in those early days for me was all consuming and compounded my low self esteem.

Even as the months passed the ongoing fall out and impact on my family has been difficult to witness. Often specific moments and reminders highlighted the impact I have had and reinforce that feeling of guilt. Coming out to my son was one such moment as I had to watch him gradual understand what transition means and while our relationship is amazing I am constantly afraid that I have destroyed his life. The feeling of failing your child is soul destroying and has been the source of more than a few tears. It means that even as I have continued live my truth and had plenty of positive moments that I can never escape this feeling of guilt.

Deserving Happiness?

Combined the shame, self loathing and guilt means that a lot of the time many of us have a pretty low opinion of ourselves. Personally I am pretty lucky that I have plenty of people in my life telling me that I deserve to be happy that I shouldn’t think so negatively it does little to actually change my mindset. The truth is that I have trouble reconciling the idea that someone who causes so much pain can deserve something positive. Afterall, making people miserable so you can be happy seems like a fairly selfish act on face value. So there is a real strong pull to believe that maybe I deserve the pain.

A changing mindset

This means part of my journey and that of many other members of the Trans community is to shift our perception to overcome this negativity. In reality it is important to recognise that we are as much a ‘victim’ as anyone. Often growing up we have witnessed discrimination and negative representations that highlighted the lack of acceptance present in society during our formative years. This means that I especially need to learn to accept that it was never a weakness of character that prevented me from coming out but the existence of a negative environment and a real concern for my safety. That as a result the teenage girl deep inside did what she needed to survive and one day maybe put herself in a position to be herself. That therefore now having found the ability to be myself I have simply achieved the same basic rights that everyone deserves.

This mindset shift doesn’t absolve me of some bad decisions along the way and instances that could have been handled better but it does suggest I deserve something better. That perhaps that the fallout isn’t all my fault and that maybe I can move on and find some happiness.