Author’s note: Out of respect for the author of ‘Love Lives Here’ and as a sign of support for a fellow member of the trans community my review has been edited to reflect Rowan’s courage in coming out as a transman. This may result in some confusion due to the different name at the time of publication and the assumed perspective of a cis women in the memoir itself. Despite this shift the central message of the memoir remains an unchanged powerful message of love which is well worth reading.
J.G. Barry 2/8/23
Amongst the emotional fallout of coming out as a transwoman to my wife and parents last year a friend suggested Rowan Jetté Knox’s first book “Love Lives Here” as a source of comfort and perspective. In those early weeks when my relationship and life in general was in a state of complete upheaval it was important to have an example of a relationship that despite all the turns and hardship had managed to grow stronger. Having already linked in with numerous social media groups and read different transition stories, I was looking for something different in the voice of a partner and the opportunity to understand how my wife might deal with her world falling apart. Not having the focus to really sit down and read in these early days, the fact that “Love lives here” was also available on Audible made it easy to reach out and access this support. A decision which helped me through those early days with a sense of hope.
Structure
Knox’s book is initially established as a retrospective narrative starting with the night her partner Zoe came out as trans. Dramatically this shows good craft as it establishes a source of tension as Knox’s stops at the revelation of their conversation in the car and takes readers back to his perspective journeys. This first part of the memoir then goes through a well-paced account of Rowan’s upbringing and his harrowing experiences with bullying in schools as well as homelessness, substance abuse and sexual assault. Interwoven with his story, is a snapshot of Zoe’s journey identified as the girl from Peterborough which provides some moments that are relatable for transwomen like me but is more about building understanding for the impact Zoe inevitably has on Rowan. The decision to include Zoe’s story also means that while the memoir does explore other issues it remains connected to the overall focus on gender identity, family, and transition. Once these two-story lines converge, the memoir begins to move away from creating context and understanding towards conflict in a traditional narrative arch. At this point Rowan is building a stable life with three children, a happy marriage, and an established blog as the Maven of Mayhem until his daughter Alexis (aptly called Gutsy) comes out as trans.
The power of love
The next year of the memoir focuses on the role of a supportive parent mixed with opportunities to educate readers as Rowan himself learns about the trans experience and community. In this section the memoir starts stepping into the political minefield of trans youth, it therefore provides the experience of a supportive family as they navigate communication with school while also trying to understand their child. As someone recently coming to terms with herself, the desire to have had the awareness and confidence of Gutsy to come out to her parents and that supportive environment provokes a degree of sadness. In this way the memoir continues to build sympathy and respect for Rowan and their ability to deal with the situation but also create an understanding for Zoe, as no doubt that year would have put her own feelings in focus and inexplicably led to the events in the car at the start of the memoir.
Self-reflection
This marks the final part of the memoir as Rowan must deal with another earth-shattering revolution. In these early days, the relationship may be over but eventually different milestones bring them both back together. Throughout this part Rowan reflects heavily on his own mental health and identity which provides a unique perspective on what partners experience, especially those that are sympathetic and understanding of the trans experience but still must deal with the repercussions of our realisations. Many of these personal reflections like the earlier focus on Alexis are related to Zoe’s progress and steps in her transition as Rowan continually, even at the lowest points is supportive it is never a simple circumstance. As a result, something the memoir does well as a whole is highlight the complexity of our relationships and the ongoing struggle which I can relate more to now a year into my own journey.
Style and voice
Overall, Rowan’s writing carries his personality and attitude which beyond the relatability of the content makes it an engaging memoir. In this way the memoir gives life to a distinct sense of humour and has refreshing honesty about his own faults and mistakes both of which are established from the preface. This makes the reader connect with Rowan and adds to the sympathy built through the account of their early life which in turn makes them more invested in each little success. Whether this is a personal milestone like the completion of a high school certificate as an adult, starting a blog or being able to face those bullies years later with grace and maturity or a family one like the promotion with Microsoft. The secret to the memoir that covers some dark experiences is that Rowan’s writing does focus on celebrating those happy moments and it therefore leaves a fairly inspiring and uplifting feeling by the end.
After everything I have read since, “Love lives here” is the most powerful experience I have picked up. While many of the individual experiences are not related to the overall journey and emotions are which makes the outcome and that overall uplifting tone the memoir concludes with more powerful. Even if this doesn’t provide the support or understanding your seeking at the time no one is going to be unaffected by Rowan’s story and are guaranteed to come away with a high degree of respect for someone that has had some extremely tough times but through perseverance, stubbornness and love been able to succeed.
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