What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?

Society has for a long time conditioned us to want, to expect certain things. It is how we measure success, and it’s supposed to offer us some sense of fulfilment. Except it very rarely does. Those of us who wake up to this at some point realise we were sold a lie. One to keep things ticking over without too much radical change.

Having it all

In the traditional sense, I guess based on societies values, I did almost have it all. A couple of qualifications from a good university, a good job with a clear pathway for advancement, the woman I loved, a nice house, and an amazing son. I had all before turning 30. Yet, as COVID hit, some of these things just didn’t quite seem to be trending right. At work, I was being blocked and felt like I was stagnating, lockdowns were putting on new levels of pressure, and my we were struck with personal tragedy. The expectation of a happily ever after seemed increasingly problematic.

Even after finding a new job with more oppertunity where I seemed back on the fast track. It all didn’t feel right. I had been making it all work around the expectation of who everyone thought I should be and what I should want rather than the truth. Once that broke, everything else seemed to tumble almost like a house of cards.

Crashing down

My epiphany and acceptance of myself as trans was both a moment of joyful clarity and utter destruction. In an instant, I realised what was off but also knew that the truth had consequences for the life I had. This has always been a problem for me as I feel that those consequences are felt by others, and it creates a pervasive sense of guilt. Yet, I knew then, considering the probable alternative that there was no choice. As such, my decision was made, and it like a jenga tower, I pulled out a few blocks holding that life together. I never wanted it to fall, and as it still wobbles, I hope it doesn’t, but it might.

At some point, the question then becomes about what is worth salvaging, and at what point is it time to let things go. No one has this answer, and like anyone in this situation, I just need to understand the things that matter. Unquestionably, my family stands, especially with the endless ability of my son to bring me joy, but it’s also never going to be the same. This is where I must learn to adapt and find a new normal, one that works to preserve as much of that love as an effective as possible. Perhaps the most important thing here is to let go of those expectations and views of the family I was taught about and instead go with what feels right.

Adjusting how I measure success

This process of adapting to a new reality is hard, and for some, perhaps impossible, but it is realistically always been the only way we can ‘have it all’. That societal narrative never worked for everyone, and as an existentialist, I should have realised that sooner. The white picket fence,  the quite dutiful husband, and the emotionless husk were definitely not me. Just like working the same job endless for the sack of a paycheck to keep everything ticking over was never me. I need variation, the challenge, and the satisfaction that comes with it. I need to embrace my quirkiness and reveal in the emotional highs and lows that are the secret to creation. In my case, it is the key to enjoying the moment and building deeper connections with others, including my son. It is the key to finding my happiness, which is the only thing really worth having.