What fears have you overcome and how?

It goes a little without saying but considering the prompt I’m going to be explicit: coming out was fucking terrify. Everything connected with this moment and what it meant for my future was consumed by fear. Right there on the precipice, I was still holding back unwilling to open the door. Without a supportive friend, I may not have gone through it. My ability to overcome this wasn’t through some means of perspective or invalidating my fears but simply that the alternative was far worse and final. In desperation, I overcame my fears, and some fell away.

Fearing the collapse of my family

The strongest sense I had in this moment was that I would lose everything. My wife, my son, my parents, that I would be ostrichised and left alone. It wasn’t just the idea that they would reject my truth and think I was some mentally ill freak, but the perception that I was dishonest or in some way deliberately trying to hurt everyone. That the reaction would be so visceral that I would be on the street and never get to properly hold my son again.

This was by far my greatest hurdle and maybe a little extreme considering the people I have around me. Yet, the internet is full of trans people with this experience, people of all ages who are met with hostility and even abuse by their families. It may have been a little exaggerated as my mind ran to extremes, but it was a real possibility. Thankfully, one that did not come to materialise, as I really doubt how I would have managed. That isn’t to say things were or are perfect. My marriage may not be in the best place, but I have been trying to make it work, and there is a sense that things will never go nuclear. That was really the best I could hope for.

The fear of staring eyeballs 

Never discount the fear of being mocked, publicly shunned, or becoming the target of unwanted attention. One, these are precursors and warning signs of deeper hate and can escalate, but also, as people, we carve acceptance. We always wish to fit in, even with our own little groups, and therefore, these public examples of distaste strike at the very core of human nature. The thought of walking the walk in a pair of heels was no less scary. In my mind, the early days of my transition would be the hardest. That period where I had no hope of passing, where I would look like a guy in women’s clothing, seemed like it would be the hardest thing to deal with for me at the time.

In those early days and spending a lot more time out, pre-hormones did make this harder. I got my share of odd looks, amongst other things. Yet, it did not bother me the way I expected for the most part. This was one aspect when facing my fears and the joy of being able to be myself seemed to conquer my anxiety of going out in public. Especially in the first few weeks, it seemed consequential. I had the support of people that mattered to me, so what the rest of the world thought was less important. This totally conquer these fears and the rest was finding my own group by connecting with the LGBTQIA community as well as realising it is OK to take things slow, I don’t need to wear a dress in public to be a woman.

Losing my career

This wasn’t about finances but losing something that I was passionate about and enjoyed teaching. It was perhaps because of the environment I was in at a very homophobic school but also the political fearmongering that conservatives have around LGBTQIA visibility in schools. A quick search through the department policies meant I knew I had institutional support, but this is only part of teaching. What matters is the presence in the classroom and my ability to build relationships with students. This was key to my identity as a teacher. I doubted whether students could see me in an equivalent way and feared that my identity would be a block to the rapport I needed to get students learning. Thankfully, before coming out, I managed to connect briefly with a trans teacher through Facebook, and it gave me a bit of hope. It was possible.

It has not been smooth sailing, and especially at that school, there were some dark days where I might be looking for a career change. Even so, there were also some great students who didn’t seem to care, and we just continued with a similar classroom dynamic, able to teach and be me, these couple of classes were like a dream. However, the overwhelming attitude of the school was far too hostile, and while I had some hope that I could still teach, it was clear it was not going to be there. Thankfully, taking my leadership experience, I was able to land an excellent job that didn’t mean a drop in pay at a school where I am accepted to an extent that it is a non-issue, and I can now continue to see my future in teaching.

The fear that remains

A lot of fears have faded since coming out, and in my case, things have worked out all right, but there are a few that will never go away. There is a constant awareness of becoming a target for hate crime, especially since I am public, and this has only grown with the increasing rhetoric out of the US and UK. Having dealt with a bit of abuse online clearly shows I’m not immune, so I am always mindful, especially using a public restroom. Thankfully for me this fear hasn’t prevented me from really doing anything, but it does mean I am more thoughtful about going out.

This is of course coupled with the fear that any woman has for being in public. The current alarming statistics around gender violence in Australia are just highlighting a long-standing issue and the sad reality that women have always had to face. As my body continues to change and I celebrate my newfound identity, able to express myself properly, it also means an increasing presence of the male gaze. The thought, especially combined with the potential for being outed as trans is terrifying and is something most guys are incapable of understanding. It means I am being more aware of my surroundings and more carefully thinking about my means of transport. It is something unfortunately like every woman I must learn to live with, and that is a sorry formal accusation on societies lack action. None of us should feel unsafe.

Continuing to face these fears.

Coming out, considering all this was monumental but it is not the end. Most of the trans community continues to face many of these fears daily. Especially in other countries around the world, where legal persecution has increased and bans have been put in place, there is the constant fear that they might be coming for you next. Hopefully, anyone that has made it to the end of this post (I know I’m not exactly brief) if you aren’t already an ally you are at least determined not to spread more fear because we are dealing with enough already.