What are you most worried about for the future?

Since my last few years of school, I have always been a very planned person with a clear sense of direction. This was, in turn, part of my way of dealing with everything going on in my head. I needed a planned and clear way to gain the success that society expected, at least professionally, since I expected to be alone. That kept me focused and working towards some form of goal, which helped to bury some of the other stuff.

Old plans for the future

Realistically, this all went to plan fairly smoothly as I got into the course I wanted and, except for one or two slight delays, was a qualified teacher by the age of 22. Along the way, I managed to meet someone, and we clicked with so many things in common that our relationship worked.  It complicated things as the notion that someone actually wanted to be with me gave me some confidence to explore some things. However, once that was quickly shot down in flames, I threw myself into my career and making enough money to buy us a home. It meant the plan changed, but it gave me an even greater sense of motivation. By the time I was 26, we had our first property and were married. This is where things started to become a little harder as having kids doesn’t always go to plan, but after two years our son was born, and by 2019 at the age of 30 we managed to up size to a house. Most things had proceeded as planned.

After this, it seems like nothing has gone to plan.  Stuck working remotely, and I found myself with a lot of time, which is not a great place for someone trying to ignore things about themselves. Added to this some personal tragedy and the struggles of parenting in the pandemic, and I was at breaking point. 

The uncertain future

Now, I became the chaos element. My acceptance and decision to come out put the cat amongst the pigions. It shattered our plans as a family and threatened everything I had been working towards in my career. It is one of those moments that puts a fork in the road, and neither path is especially clear, although one is lined by decaying trees.

Even 2 and a half years on, I am not sure what path I’m on. As a family, we are still together, but I am never sure how much longer this will last as things are tough and we both seem to hold a fair bit of resentment. This uncertainty, of course, means that everything else hangs in a degree of limbo. The house, fiancel arrangements, time with my son, and even my own sense of personal freedom are all linked to my marriage. It means that, really, for the first time in my life, the future is uncurtained and unplanned. Perhaps what is most frightening is that I am back to dwelling on my old fears, that there is a high possibility that the future might be a lonely one.

Managing this, I need to learn to becomfortable with uncertainty and things outside my control. Instead of working towards some long-term plan, I need to focus on the moment. Enjoying some of the good times along this path has definitely kept me going these last couple of years, and in many ways is a new concept for me. This is the side of me that is more visible on social media as I publicly celebrate these moments of new discoveries, joy, and freedom. It allows me to get some sense of validation and that opportunity to express myself.

Yet, there is a limit to this as I still need some sense of direction and an idea of what I am working towards. This means that behind the curtain of social media, I am constantly trying to cope with this anxiety and fear of uncertainty. It is why, especially at the moment, writing this blog and other forms of self care are so important.