It has been 3 years now since coming out and upsetting what seemed like the perfect life. After all, at the time, I seemed to be living the dream, a good job, a loving wife, a house, and a beautiful 3 year old. Yet despite this, I was buckling under the pressure of expectations and felt completely lost. In the end, I had no real choice, I needed to make a change, I needed to transition, or else I was going down a dark path. Nothing went to plan and things were pretty rough but throughout those first two years their was a least a small glimmer of hope, a sense that maybe my family may survive this upheaval and love would get us through. It was like a candle that flickered numerous times and threatened to blink out but seemed to keep burning. Perhaps it would have been better if it had, but I have always tried to avoid what ifs.
The end of something
There is often a point were everyone can tell something is over but it takes time to accept it. Whether it was a conversation in Bali, my decision to start HRT or some other point it seemed like we had grown apart a while before either of us took any action. Even feeling that and crying myself to sleep more than once thinking my marriage was over it still came as a surprize when she asked me to move out on a part time basis. It was a decision that to me marked a finality as it seemed like we were on a course, yet it still took us a couple of months to come to terms with the end. At least it came as a mutual decision she couldn’t love me as I am and I couldn’t live without love. It is a sad truth that sometimes people change and grow apart as not all our feelings can transcend everything else.
The practical stuff
The finical arrangements and logistic consideration of co-parenting were hard to work through, constantly bringing up numerous emotions. Trying desperately to do the right thing by my son and leave my ex in a reasonable position without destroying my own possible future was a challenging balance. Knowing that my own earning potential and current income was far greater, I perhaps gave up too much. Maybe it was out of a sense of guilt as I continued to question what I deserve out of life. Added to this the stress of actually selling a house, finding a new place to live, and moving in meant the second half of 2024 was emotionally draining.
In the end it has worked out in the best possible way, we have a working shared care arrangement, I have place to live which I have made my own with money in the bank and my Ex wife is in a position to look for something. Most importantly, we are communicating and working together to raise our son, which may not have been the case if either of us were more combative trying to sort out these things. Sometimes compromise and working things out although challenging is truly the best way forward.
Impacting our son
The hardest thing about our separation is undoubtedly the impact we have on our son. It was probably the reason we were both a bit reluctant in the end. However, we both recognised that the environment at home was no longer what it was, and we risked turning things into a negative space. Even so, we wanted to minimise the impact and make sure that he has a positive relationship with both of us. Part of this is to maintain a concept that the three of us are still a family and do things together but are now separate. It is hard thing to manage emotionally as things are still pretty raw, cooking a Christmas lunch in the old family kitchen although the house was sold and I didn’t live there, felt weird. All things considered, it was a reasonable festive season, and our son was definitely able to have the sense that we were both there to celebrate these times with him.
Despite these efforts, separation was always going to have an impact on him especially as he still adapted to my transition. He is a resilient 6 year old that has had to deal with a lot but it has meant for a challenging start to 2025. Settling the care arrangements has definitely added some stability but he is clearly still adjusting to a new normal. It means there has been plenty of acting out and more than a few attempts to play us both off against each other as we try to implement consistent expectations. It is something that we are continuingly going to need to mindful off and work through especially as we all settle in to new arrangements. At the moment though I feel like both my ex and I are riding a rollercoaster of different behaviour. In my case at least his acting out can cause me to dwell in a fairly negative place where I blame myself for everything impacting him. No doubt there are some that share this view but as I need to remind myself a lot of decisions and things have happened since coming out and no one person is to blame for things falling apart.
Things got pretty low
It shouldn’t be surprising that with the final breakdown of my marriage, all the uncertainty and a lot of guilt that my mental health reached a low point during 2024. It was as bad if not worse then the months surrounding coming out and there were some dark thoughts circulating on some of those lonely nights. It felt like a real kick in the guts to be back in this sort of state despite everything I had gone through, my transition had been a decision primally to avoid some of these possibilities that entered my thoughts. There were moments were it seemed like it was all for nothing. The depression and anger I felt was overwhelming and quickly spiralled once mixed with a little bit of dysphoria. Thankfully, I could recognise my own situation and knew the importance of seeking help, both professionally but also from a range of friends. Part of my recovery from this new low was definitely sharing and talking through things with people as voicing things can just allow us to process and knowing there was some that cared enough to listen made me feel a little less lonely. The other part was really engaging in self care whether that was hobbies like lego or just going out and having positive experience it gave me an outlet. Sometimes it allowed me to focus on something and distract myself while other times it gave me a much needed sense of positivity, that eventually made me realise things were not as bleak as it all seemed.
It was still a year of progress
While my life was falling apart, a full year on HRT meant that I was coming together in a different sort of way. I had gone beyond that initial mental shift and the first signs of a second puberty. By the end of 2024, the changes to my body were really starting to become noticeable and it meant that I started to like what I saw in the mirror. More than that, I felt comfortable in my own body for the first time. I was no longer being tormented by the disconnect between my mind and body, which brought a welcome sense of peace as well as a new level of confidence. The feelings of dysphoria were thankfully less frequent, but when I do experience these depressive episodes, they are more acute. At times, it takes me a few days to really drag myself out of a hole. I put this down to the fact that some of my triggers are no longer an issue, but others can’t really be addressed with the effect of HRT.
It means that over the last 6 months, I have definitely started considering surgeries a lot more. This was always something at the back of my mind as a possibility as part of my transition, whether it was to supplement my voice training, change a few things about my face, or even contemplate bottom surgery. The things that HRT can’t change. In my own head, it remains a question of whether the intensity of this dysphoria is significant enough to justify the cost, recovery, and potential complications of any surgery. As yet, it is still very much something that remains an ongoing debate in my own mind. It is a different form of uncertainty than I experienced the last couple of years but is a constant reminder of the complexities of the journey I’m on and the onging ups and downs even while I am making progress.
Letting myself out
It is a real focus of my journey since it comes out to let myself out and be a bit more authentic. Even so, I really only feel like it has been the last year that I could say I have made strides towards being genuine. Definitely, before that, I was able to explore new interests and start to be a bit more confident in myself, but there was still a lot holding me back. Their was still an uncertainty of who I really was at the core. A disconnect between the reserved cautious person I had been for so long and the sassy and impulsive person I felt was in there. I seemed to recognise my desires but still unwilling to act on them to really embrace my identity as a woman.
However, the last year has definitely brought a change. The physical and mental changes connected to HRT have meant I feel more legitimate as a woman. This, in turn, has helped dispell a lot of the fears that held me back, and I have become more confident to explore my identity to a more significant extent. This is perhaps the most evident in my developing clothing style, which definitely has taken a turn throughout this year. It is through this freedom to explore that I have really learned about myself and feel like while I might still be a work in progress, there is some idea where I end up.
Starting to move on
As the life I had was falling apart over the last year, I had to really start thinking about the future. Enough nights were spent hugging my blahaj and wishing things were different. At some point, I made a decision to pick myself up and think about what I planned to do moving forward. It started with thinking about a plan regarding my living arrangements, making the decision to rent, and having some sort of space I could make my own rather than staying at my parents’ place. It meant I could regain some control as well as build a sanctuary. More importantly, I could give my son a space that would help offer some stability for him. Moving in right before Christmas was definitely a bit of added pressure and made for a pretty hectic couple of weeks, but looking back on it, now it was the right call.
The other decision I made was that while I needed to adjust to these changing circumstances, I would try to make something positive out of it all. I no longer needed to be answerable to anyone regarding my own expression or identity. My responsibilities as a parent are as important as ever, but there is a new kind of freedom available to me. It is an opportunity I have grabbed with both hands this in 2025, commitmented to prioritising myself I a way I haven’t before. So far, it means that I have done a few things that I have been thinking about for years, like getting my first tattoo and getting my nose pierced. So far, it has led to some empowering experiences where I feel like I am finally breaking free from everyone’s expectations. Maybe it is just teenage rebellion, but I like to think it is more than that.
The most important part of moving on is considering future relationships. It might seem quick for some, but those last couple of years of marriage had at times felt so lonely. Starved at times of the affection most people crave, perhaps my ex felt the same and maybe in someway the end is a bit of a mercy for us both, an oppertunity to find something new. It meant that when it was over, it was also a chance to move on. Deciding to put myself out there through a Taimi profile was a big step, one I perhaps wasn’t even ready for at the time. I kept my profile hidden so I could take things at my own pace and was careful, afterall the concept of dating as a trans woman is daunting. However, despite my trepidation and uncertainty, I managed to find someone. It means that despite all the hardship this past year that things have come to a point where I can look towards a positive future. One where it’s possible that I can be loved for who I am.
Read about the second year of my transition and learn more about my story
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